Why did I wait for so long for toxins

So I am wondering.... why didnt I put more toxins in my body years ago.... maybe the secret to life has to do with drugs and alcohols and so many things I barely did.....

The chemo seems to be working. I am starting to feel better. My brain still has some weekness but I have some time when I can think normally and have a pretty normal conversation. I am starting to be able to eat. I think again about living and dream about things again like when I am healthy and can just take off.... go visit people.... see things..... move.... move....be on the move....

It will be a long time until then but I am hoping that by the time winter comes that i can go to a warm place to live for a while.

Hopeing for the shorter term that maybe I will get well enough to find somewhere where there is a nice beach. Get Alyson to visit and we can swim in Vermont. Be nice to my parents. Wow.... I am soooooo mean to them right now..... like the most monsterous ever imagine.

Hopefully I will feel good enough to really play with Sharon while she is still not working.

For now... fun to be able to eat.... all I can relaly eat is sourdough bread and egg and cheese. Its good but I dont think is the most healthy kind of food. Someday maybe I can eat and choose healthy food.

Maybe I wont have to do too many rounds of chemo..... maybe my new live is about getting toxins every 3rd week..... hopefully there is some reason and my body just needs it and will learn how to just be actually healthy.... for real.....

Slowly and Slowly things are getting better....