Sunday, June 6, 2010

Short Lived Up

One of the big challenges right now is eating. It feels bad. My energy plummets, my mood plummets, and my abdomen gets so tight. I feel like I want to open my rib cage to make more room.

So quickly I can go from feeling feisty and up and full of fire to live to fear and surrender to my body seemingly getting worse and worse.

I really would like it if things would make a clear shift towards me feeling better more of the time than not.

When I am in this space I doubt I question I wonder..... should I do chemo..... I start to loose touch with reality.....with the reality I want for myself. I really want to live.... I got a taste of the amazing joy life could hold... of the magic.... of the ease...... I want, I want , I want......


  1. Hello dear Tamar,

    I've been thinking a lot about you lately. Even had a dream about you last were back at DR, wearing your tool-belt and looking like you had just finished up a long day of building work. When I walk out my back door I keep thinking that I will see you in Paige's backyard.

    If you ever want to re-grip your reality, just read back over this journal. You have me tearing up, lump in throat, reading your deeply honest words, as well as the descriptions of the beauty you are creating out of your challenges. You are truly a wonder!

    Much love and hope,

  2. No one knows this journey better than you. Make your decisions based on your needs. If you need alternative medicine - go for it. If you need to try chemotherapy again - do it. You have so much love and support. Don't give up. I think you still have a lot of teaching left to do.