Monday, June 21, 2010

Loving The Toxins, Bring It On

I have been getting about half an hour a day which is leaving my brain unable to think.... i am losing words and ability to make ability to make sence..... really frustrating.

I am sitting in the Dana Farber in Milrod again... with the ame really nice Nurse that i got last time. She is really super. I am enjoying using Jeffreys fancy computer.... i want one.... I am waiting and waiting and waiting for some reason for the toxins to get here..... not sure why.

Jeffrey is keeping me help and keeping me time.

The monister is walking around..... i think he is going to get a not very nice from me when I say... why the fuck do you think i want to make stupeid conversation with you.

All of my healers are in the idea of getting chemo. Even Tom finally said I should do it.

I have no idea how it will suck.... might lose my pant again.... so not looking for that because i have been enjoying the curly hair.... who knows maybe I will turn blond this time....

Wow..... i cant wait until I can get my brain a lot.... i asked for sleep drug.... hopefully that will work.... hope i dont get up and eat at night becuae i cant eat yet....

i think about food all the time.... i really want cream cheese and bread... and yummy indian food... and mac and cheese.... the good kind.... and salad.... and everything.

supposed to start feeling better in about a week.... oh please work.... please please work and make my liver tumors smaller.... and please make it so i can eat again..... and then please get rid of the way the rest of the way from tong ren stuff.... and please, let me go back to health and let me play.... thats all i want to do is play.... i cant take thi any more.... i am done and i need a change.... and it might go worse before it goes better..... please get better faster...please please....

thank for the kind words and thought headed my way...... my head is up my ass and i cant wait until i can be with other people again without my head up my ass.


  1. I'm at Lea's now in Boston. I'm planning to head over to your parents place first thing tomorrow.

    I love you!


  2. Hi Tamar,

    Jamie and I are sending you lots of love and good thoughts- I think about you a lot and am visualizing the tumors getting smaller. I bet it feels weird to be back at Dana Farber but at least the nice nurse is there! And there must be some residue of familiarity. I hope the chemo works fast and you get to eat cream cheese and bread and everything else you want to eat.
    Love, Michele

  3. tamar,

    i love you.

    i am sending you my deepest prayers for your ability to eat and enjoy boatloads of sourdough bread loaded with delicious cream cheese. that's all i wanted to eat when i was pregnant and vomiting all day.

    in my mind we are playing in the water, jumping off rocks, swimming through cold clear vermont river pools, or maybe ozark mountain pools like the ones at the shutins. remember?

    no matter how mean you are i hug you with all my soul.

    i love you.