Hey there yall,
been so loving getting mail. here is the new address
Tamar Friedner
72 Beech Street
Greenfield, MA 01301
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sometimes Its Worth it to Pull the Cancer Card
Friday was a big day.... it was my first time going out (okay over to a friends house) since I started feeling really really bad. I feel pretty excited when I am both alive and well enough to do something other than sit around the place I am living, or going to healers, or going to the hospital....
Nathan and I went to Eleanor and Hilary's tong ren class, which is actually only and online class. Now it is an online class and hostel. I pass out on the couch and Nathan on the floor. Sometimes people have been able to see that we are there but for the most part I think we are under the radar. It is a fun scene.
The plan was then to go to Rebeccas place which is very close to where the tong ren class is. We decided to stop at a grocery store on the way. I am a bit addicted to food browsing and Nathan is addicted to veggies (and hopefully succeeding in getting me addicted as well, so far it seems like it might be working). Our choice was whole foods or the locally owned coop... of course, we choose to go to the coop even though when I was there before I didn't like the feel I got there.... but I want to support local and whole foods has its whole political challenge. So we stop at the coop. As most cute coops that I have been to there was a little parking lot for people who are shopping there. I felt thankful that we didn't have to search for a parking spot in Cambridge and wouldn't have to walk far.... which is getting easier but I have very little muscle again and my body is working hard on healing. I noticed a sign about permits and such but I had such a clear story in my head that the lot is for shoppers that I didn't really register what the sign said.
Nathan and I went about what has become ritual.... we do some real shopping for a while and mostly I just browse and Nathan is okay to go along with it so far. We had a conversation about how we didn't really like the store and maybe we should go to Whole Foods but we are already here etc..... basically we were not happy with the selection.
So we buy a few things, pay and head out. When we get outside we automatically head to where the car is. I looked at the car...or really the spot where I thought the car should be.... "Nathan, is that where I car was?" He instantly realized that the car was gone and his computer which is pretty much his entire business. "Nathan, do you have the keys?" "Yes." Shit..... towed.... let me read that sign..... oh, this lot requires permits and doesn't really go with the store exactly.
So there is some part of me that just thinks that since I pretty much cant handle anything else that life will hold back......and wait for another time to dish it out. Two people who haven't driven much for years.... Nathan might have never owned a car but I cant remember......in the city with no car and a liver full of tumors..... nice..... okay okay.... i am really happy that i have a cell phone now. It definitely makes my life easier right now. Thankfully there is a number for the tow place on the sign..... lets call and make sure they have our car......only.... we don't know the license plate number when they ask for it..... hmm.... I will just call dad and ask him what it is.... only.... he is in the car, driving to the Cape, and no longer remembers all of the license plate numbers of the cars like he used to...... and has no ideas of how to find it....
It felt actually really great to have him have no idea, no plan for how to help the situation, and thankfully a willingness to just say, I don't know what to do for you..there is nothing I can do. Wow, I feel so happy that he was able to just say I got nothin..... and was willing to let us just figure it out without him trying to come up with a plan..... Anyway, still left us feeling pretty lost... I call Rebecca who always has a great attitude for things like this.... she was on her way to save us....
We decided that the car must be at that place and headed there. Dad told us we would likely need cash which was great to know ahead of time..... $158. Damn, thats more than I get in food stamps each month. Is there some way out of this? Hmmm... I was trying to just accept it and let go of thinking of all the things that money could do that feels more worthy a cause of using it..... trying to not complain too much about the way the sign reads that makes it hard to tell what it is trying to say.... trying not to just be pissed.
I was raised to try to get out of things like this.... I generally feel kind of embarrassed of doing that and if I am going to do it I feel that it is really important to be completely honest. Nathan was up for the challenge. When we got to the tow place, my shaved head spoke for itself and Nathan explained the situation. The woman we were talking to seemed about to just let it go and gi eus the car back.... but the other two women jumped in and were not willing to even give us a break..... they did tell us that we have to talk to the person who is contracting for this towing and that they couldn't tell us who that was.....
Nathan went on a mission and used Rebeccas phone to look up the store and found his way through that to someone who would pass our message to the person who we needed to talk to.....
It was starting to get long, we hadn't eaten since morning, I had little hope and was nearly ready to give it up and just pay. We decided though to head to Rebeccas and leave the car there and hope that the person would really call us back. We called from Rebeccas to check what the status was and holy shit..... they completely waived the fee.
Wow..... Thanks Nathan..... that certainly made a shitty situation have an ending that left me much more relaxed and less annoyed than I otherwise would have felt. Made for a good story and we still got to spend time with Rebecca...... just sitting there and talking which was great and all I was up for by that point.
Nathan and I went to Eleanor and Hilary's tong ren class, which is actually only and online class. Now it is an online class and hostel. I pass out on the couch and Nathan on the floor. Sometimes people have been able to see that we are there but for the most part I think we are under the radar. It is a fun scene.
The plan was then to go to Rebeccas place which is very close to where the tong ren class is. We decided to stop at a grocery store on the way. I am a bit addicted to food browsing and Nathan is addicted to veggies (and hopefully succeeding in getting me addicted as well, so far it seems like it might be working). Our choice was whole foods or the locally owned coop... of course, we choose to go to the coop even though when I was there before I didn't like the feel I got there.... but I want to support local and whole foods has its whole political challenge. So we stop at the coop. As most cute coops that I have been to there was a little parking lot for people who are shopping there. I felt thankful that we didn't have to search for a parking spot in Cambridge and wouldn't have to walk far.... which is getting easier but I have very little muscle again and my body is working hard on healing. I noticed a sign about permits and such but I had such a clear story in my head that the lot is for shoppers that I didn't really register what the sign said.
Nathan and I went about what has become ritual.... we do some real shopping for a while and mostly I just browse and Nathan is okay to go along with it so far. We had a conversation about how we didn't really like the store and maybe we should go to Whole Foods but we are already here etc..... basically we were not happy with the selection.
So we buy a few things, pay and head out. When we get outside we automatically head to where the car is. I looked at the car...or really the spot where I thought the car should be.... "Nathan, is that where I car was?" He instantly realized that the car was gone and his computer which is pretty much his entire business. "Nathan, do you have the keys?" "Yes." Shit..... towed.... let me read that sign..... oh, this lot requires permits and doesn't really go with the store exactly.
So there is some part of me that just thinks that since I pretty much cant handle anything else that life will hold back......and wait for another time to dish it out. Two people who haven't driven much for years.... Nathan might have never owned a car but I cant remember......in the city with no car and a liver full of tumors..... nice..... okay okay.... i am really happy that i have a cell phone now. It definitely makes my life easier right now. Thankfully there is a number for the tow place on the sign..... lets call and make sure they have our car......only.... we don't know the license plate number when they ask for it..... hmm.... I will just call dad and ask him what it is.... only.... he is in the car, driving to the Cape, and no longer remembers all of the license plate numbers of the cars like he used to...... and has no ideas of how to find it....
It felt actually really great to have him have no idea, no plan for how to help the situation, and thankfully a willingness to just say, I don't know what to do for you..there is nothing I can do. Wow, I feel so happy that he was able to just say I got nothin..... and was willing to let us just figure it out without him trying to come up with a plan..... Anyway, still left us feeling pretty lost... I call Rebecca who always has a great attitude for things like this.... she was on her way to save us....
We decided that the car must be at that place and headed there. Dad told us we would likely need cash which was great to know ahead of time..... $158. Damn, thats more than I get in food stamps each month. Is there some way out of this? Hmmm... I was trying to just accept it and let go of thinking of all the things that money could do that feels more worthy a cause of using it..... trying to not complain too much about the way the sign reads that makes it hard to tell what it is trying to say.... trying not to just be pissed.
I was raised to try to get out of things like this.... I generally feel kind of embarrassed of doing that and if I am going to do it I feel that it is really important to be completely honest. Nathan was up for the challenge. When we got to the tow place, my shaved head spoke for itself and Nathan explained the situation. The woman we were talking to seemed about to just let it go and gi eus the car back.... but the other two women jumped in and were not willing to even give us a break..... they did tell us that we have to talk to the person who is contracting for this towing and that they couldn't tell us who that was.....
Nathan went on a mission and used Rebeccas phone to look up the store and found his way through that to someone who would pass our message to the person who we needed to talk to.....
It was starting to get long, we hadn't eaten since morning, I had little hope and was nearly ready to give it up and just pay. We decided though to head to Rebeccas and leave the car there and hope that the person would really call us back. We called from Rebeccas to check what the status was and holy shit..... they completely waived the fee.
Wow..... Thanks Nathan..... that certainly made a shitty situation have an ending that left me much more relaxed and less annoyed than I otherwise would have felt. Made for a good story and we still got to spend time with Rebecca...... just sitting there and talking which was great and all I was up for by that point.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Is That Death or is it... Holy Shit its Sleep
It has been months now since I have slept well. More recently there was sleep each night on the order of maybe 15-30 minutes. Then for a few weeks I have taken Ambien with diminishing success each night (the doctor prescribed me what I think is the highest dose...remember Tamar.... check your doses for some reason they always want to give you high doses of things). Three nights ago I tried a new version of the drug which is extended release. There was pretty much no sleep from it. Hmmmm... So two nights ago I had the feeling not to take anything but melatonoin.... same lack of sleep success. Last night I went to bed really late.... I even felt like I was outlasting Nathan who has been able to stay up until two recently. Last night, no drugs at all. I both didn't feel very tired or sleepy and was still in the, I cant stop talking now that I actually feel up for speaking, now that some big parts of me seem to be showing again. Finally I did go to bed. Thankfully the lack of sleep in general has not come with a racey mind or anxiety, just not sleep. When I got into bed and put my head on the pillow.... there it was I thought.... no sleep......
Except, hours later my body was nearly one with the (very comfortable) bed. Me, the bed, have I turned into a mattress? I couldn't really move, my eyes were not opening, my face was smooshed into the pillow...... Is this what it feels like to be dead? I didn't think that it felt imminent when I got into bed. Its not unpleasant... feels relaxing and soft and floating...careless even.... oh wait..... that feeling.... thats the feeling that I have to urinate... I know that feeling a frequently lately (the chemo makes it so I cant make it through the night and especially when I get the first drug and they also put in a whole bag of fluid to try to flush that toxin out as fast as they can so it doesn't hurt the kidneys, so they give me a drug that makes me have to pee pretty much every 10 minutes for an entire day plus). Oh, wait, when I try I can move.... my eyes can open even though they don't want to...... Holy shit..... thats what it feels like to have a deep, intense, hours long, natural experience with SLEEP. I SLEPT..... that was like something I have experienced for the very first time.... its like experiencing snow for the first time, or fireflies and a place that is abundant with them, or bioluminescence, or smelling elecampaign root fresh from the garden, or watching a butterfly emerge from it chrysalis, or birth, or a Missouri thunderstorm, swimming naked in the pond, biting into a sun gold tomato, hearing the pop from harvesting a garlic scape by pulling on it, knowing that thoughts are connected with no doubt, and on and on......
SLEEP...... wow, I am feeling in so much wonder and awe at that amazing feeling..... not only did I get a good long sleep cycle once last night..... but three times. THREE SLEEPS..... SLEEP......YIPPEE......
Except, hours later my body was nearly one with the (very comfortable) bed. Me, the bed, have I turned into a mattress? I couldn't really move, my eyes were not opening, my face was smooshed into the pillow...... Is this what it feels like to be dead? I didn't think that it felt imminent when I got into bed. Its not unpleasant... feels relaxing and soft and floating...careless even.... oh wait..... that feeling.... thats the feeling that I have to urinate... I know that feeling a frequently lately (the chemo makes it so I cant make it through the night and especially when I get the first drug and they also put in a whole bag of fluid to try to flush that toxin out as fast as they can so it doesn't hurt the kidneys, so they give me a drug that makes me have to pee pretty much every 10 minutes for an entire day plus). Oh, wait, when I try I can move.... my eyes can open even though they don't want to...... Holy shit..... thats what it feels like to have a deep, intense, hours long, natural experience with SLEEP. I SLEPT..... that was like something I have experienced for the very first time.... its like experiencing snow for the first time, or fireflies and a place that is abundant with them, or bioluminescence, or smelling elecampaign root fresh from the garden, or watching a butterfly emerge from it chrysalis, or birth, or a Missouri thunderstorm, swimming naked in the pond, biting into a sun gold tomato, hearing the pop from harvesting a garlic scape by pulling on it, knowing that thoughts are connected with no doubt, and on and on......
SLEEP...... wow, I am feeling in so much wonder and awe at that amazing feeling..... not only did I get a good long sleep cycle once last night..... but three times. THREE SLEEPS..... SLEEP......YIPPEE......
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Life Death Continuum
Yesterday afternoon and today has been a crazy crazy time for me. Yesterday morning and the day before that I was unable to cope at all with the discomfort in my body. Eating became out of the questions again, it was even hard to drink. It felt like my liver was once again taking up even more space than it had been and it has been a long time now that there already is no more room. It felt clear that the chemo was not working and I felt done. Done with life. Done with having anything left in me to go on. I wished that I had a good plan of how to help my body find death faster than it seemed to want to. I could not take it any more, I had no more even ember of an ability to get through it. I felt envious that Meadows dad had found the path to death. I felt frantic that I didn't know how to do it and that I felt too scared to try something.
The results of my blood test actually showed some improvement in liver function and in bilirubin..... I think that it gave me some tiny tiny barely tangible hope that something was working. It was not enough and I still wanted out... out of my body. A shame because there is a lot of my body that works very well. The normal I just toxified my body blood levels were down... red blood, white blood, etc. I accepted a procrit shot. I find it a very wierd and probably in the long run a not very good for the body, chemical that forces the bone marrow to make more red blood cells. Hmmmm.... when does it tap out the bone marrow? Anyway, for some reason I accepted it even though I was thinking..... adding temporary health is not going to bring me to death faster.....
Nathan once again packed up all of our but mostly my stuff and we headed to Monica for our appointments of body and energy work. I am very thankful that my parents gave him a session with Monica for his birthday.... not only was he supporting my physical needs but he was listening to me tell him that I thought I was really done...... One hour of pampering cannot come close to all that is coming outward from within Nathan but a small help towards giving Nathan some support. My session with Monica was pretty amazing. I felt significantly calmer and physically somewhat better from the session. It seemed to improve each hour that passed.
That is the crazy crazy part..... When we got to Lea's I was up for unpacking some of the food (it feels so good be able to do something), then I was up for talking with Nathan, then I was up for chatting with Lea when she got home. I was even able to send some email...... This change physically and mentally was not explainable to me except that maybe the increase in blood, body work, change in location, and potentially the chemo started working... or maybe my body finally realized that I was seriously unable to take any more.... nothing..... that a change had to happen.....
So even though I got very little sleep trying out a long acting sleep medication that didn't cut it last night I got up in the morning almost perky. I was ready to head to the garden..... to walk the block to get there...... to harvest what is now lots of veggies.... to spend time outside...etc...... I feel like a different person. I made the walk with little problem and Nathan and I harvested lots of veggies. I felt okay, barely even tired......
This is more life than I have felt in a very long time. I cant stop.... its like I need to life every moment of this day because who knows if I will finally continue feeling better..... and yet, try not to dwell on the fear of the potential to feel bad again...... its so easy when I feel like this to get ahead of myself too..... what am I going to o later, tomorrow, next week..... the people I can play with... what to do in Greenfield when we live there, traveling, etc....... I got back home and talked and ate and cooked... I had to force myself to take a rest.
There was a fear about letting people know that I feel so much better (long way to go but this is so far from where I was it feels glorious). What if that makes it stop, what if it not going to stay and if people know it will change...... when I felt healthy the first time I decided that I was no longer going to believe in jinxing things by telling people..... by holding back on positive exciting thoughts feelings experiences because I had an idea that it was self righteous to share that..... I learned that I was going to share the positive confidently openly.... that it would not make things change because I was being cocky. I did learn it..... today it a great day..... I can't understand it but things today are going my way...... and putting that out to the world is not going to take it away from me but wow I sure do need it to continue in this direction.
The results of my blood test actually showed some improvement in liver function and in bilirubin..... I think that it gave me some tiny tiny barely tangible hope that something was working. It was not enough and I still wanted out... out of my body. A shame because there is a lot of my body that works very well. The normal I just toxified my body blood levels were down... red blood, white blood, etc. I accepted a procrit shot. I find it a very wierd and probably in the long run a not very good for the body, chemical that forces the bone marrow to make more red blood cells. Hmmmm.... when does it tap out the bone marrow? Anyway, for some reason I accepted it even though I was thinking..... adding temporary health is not going to bring me to death faster.....
Nathan once again packed up all of our but mostly my stuff and we headed to Monica for our appointments of body and energy work. I am very thankful that my parents gave him a session with Monica for his birthday.... not only was he supporting my physical needs but he was listening to me tell him that I thought I was really done...... One hour of pampering cannot come close to all that is coming outward from within Nathan but a small help towards giving Nathan some support. My session with Monica was pretty amazing. I felt significantly calmer and physically somewhat better from the session. It seemed to improve each hour that passed.
That is the crazy crazy part..... When we got to Lea's I was up for unpacking some of the food (it feels so good be able to do something), then I was up for talking with Nathan, then I was up for chatting with Lea when she got home. I was even able to send some email...... This change physically and mentally was not explainable to me except that maybe the increase in blood, body work, change in location, and potentially the chemo started working... or maybe my body finally realized that I was seriously unable to take any more.... nothing..... that a change had to happen.....
So even though I got very little sleep trying out a long acting sleep medication that didn't cut it last night I got up in the morning almost perky. I was ready to head to the garden..... to walk the block to get there...... to harvest what is now lots of veggies.... to spend time outside...etc...... I feel like a different person. I made the walk with little problem and Nathan and I harvested lots of veggies. I felt okay, barely even tired......
This is more life than I have felt in a very long time. I cant stop.... its like I need to life every moment of this day because who knows if I will finally continue feeling better..... and yet, try not to dwell on the fear of the potential to feel bad again...... its so easy when I feel like this to get ahead of myself too..... what am I going to o later, tomorrow, next week..... the people I can play with... what to do in Greenfield when we live there, traveling, etc....... I got back home and talked and ate and cooked... I had to force myself to take a rest.
There was a fear about letting people know that I feel so much better (long way to go but this is so far from where I was it feels glorious). What if that makes it stop, what if it not going to stay and if people know it will change...... when I felt healthy the first time I decided that I was no longer going to believe in jinxing things by telling people..... by holding back on positive exciting thoughts feelings experiences because I had an idea that it was self righteous to share that..... I learned that I was going to share the positive confidently openly.... that it would not make things change because I was being cocky. I did learn it..... today it a great day..... I can't understand it but things today are going my way...... and putting that out to the world is not going to take it away from me but wow I sure do need it to continue in this direction.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
My Address
Not sure why it is start getting used with the wrong zip code but I am posting the dorchester address again as I posted it last time so that it will hopefully get corrected
30 Welles Ave #3
Dorchester, MA 02124
things seem to be getting to me but for some reason some people are using 02121... that is not correct.
30 Welles Ave #3
Dorchester, MA 02124
things seem to be getting to me but for some reason some people are using 02121... that is not correct.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Trying to set the world record for the largest alive liver
The doctor believed me when I saw him today..... yes my liver is in fact larger and in worse shape than it was three weeks ago when we started......
why when three weeks ago i thought we should try the chemical that we originally had so much success with I didn't force the issue. I was scared... it is a shitty side effect chemo..... it takes a long time to administer..... i wanted to hope that something different was less scary and maybe i would keep my hair and maybe it would work without so much side effects...... but i knew, I, my whole I, knew that we should try to old one..... maybe the cells that have regrown are the ones that will not die from the chemo... maybe they are super cells.... i could find out that my knowing didn't know either.... at which point they will just offer one different chemical after another until I am dead..... so if it is going to work it ought work fast and soon.....
today the ibuprofen is not really working so well.... i cant fucking take this anymore..... i am so sick of feeling some level of shit. i don't feel like it is time to die but i don't know how to live..... will i know if that time comes.....? would it just happen peacefully? please body, please just make a decision an learn how to heal yourself.... i hear that you know how...... find it..... i don't want this to be an every few months game....figure it out and take charge....heal....health......
ouch..... i hurt.... i am uncomfortable..... i thought this was going to be a quick heal.... its not and i don't know what to do......
just be, right...... this is very boring and uncomfortable......
how do i know what a natural death looks like.... clearly i wasnt ready because i chose again to try chemo.... in fact, it is my last hope and i am putting hopes in it the way i did not before. but a natural death would have come before the very first procedure.... getting the stent put in..... i guess when it comes down to it it i am not going for natural...... so what does it look like when it is not natural...... i think they are ugly and full of morphine..... fuck..... i dont think that is how death shoudl look...... okay life..... figure this shit out.
why when three weeks ago i thought we should try the chemical that we originally had so much success with I didn't force the issue. I was scared... it is a shitty side effect chemo..... it takes a long time to administer..... i wanted to hope that something different was less scary and maybe i would keep my hair and maybe it would work without so much side effects...... but i knew, I, my whole I, knew that we should try to old one..... maybe the cells that have regrown are the ones that will not die from the chemo... maybe they are super cells.... i could find out that my knowing didn't know either.... at which point they will just offer one different chemical after another until I am dead..... so if it is going to work it ought work fast and soon.....
today the ibuprofen is not really working so well.... i cant fucking take this anymore..... i am so sick of feeling some level of shit. i don't feel like it is time to die but i don't know how to live..... will i know if that time comes.....? would it just happen peacefully? please body, please just make a decision an learn how to heal yourself.... i hear that you know how...... find it..... i don't want this to be an every few months game....figure it out and take charge....heal....health......
ouch..... i hurt.... i am uncomfortable..... i thought this was going to be a quick heal.... its not and i don't know what to do......
just be, right...... this is very boring and uncomfortable......
how do i know what a natural death looks like.... clearly i wasnt ready because i chose again to try chemo.... in fact, it is my last hope and i am putting hopes in it the way i did not before. but a natural death would have come before the very first procedure.... getting the stent put in..... i guess when it comes down to it it i am not going for natural...... so what does it look like when it is not natural...... i think they are ugly and full of morphine..... fuck..... i dont think that is how death shoudl look...... okay life..... figure this shit out.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Up and Down I want Balanced Up
In the last few days things got very hard. Eating became not a possibility and even I didn't want to eat (which is on the small scale anyway but still I love eating and thinking about being able to eat normally again). My liver hurt. It seemed bigger than it was pre chemo..... felt like any shrinkage I had felt after chemo seemed to become undone and maybe even gotten bigger. I felt like I needed to be doing chemo every other week not every two weeks. I can'tbelieve that I am looking forward to more chemo..... crazy..... It feels like life and close are so close together. When I am in pain and cant get comfortable, cant sleep, cant eat..... my desire to live. I no longer though feel like I know if I am dying or living. I really thought it would be clear when I would know when my path was on dying and when it was on living. Even when I thought.... wow, I cant deal with this and my body is starting to not able to hold its slight gain on the tumors, I still didn't know if this was what it feels like to be dying. I do not want to die at this point. I want to find a way to live with a quality of life that makes me find worthiness to my life. I have found ways finally to accept a quality of life that was before unacceptable. Now I can find some positives even when I am week and cant really do much. I do not however accept pain.
My mom and Nathan suggested Ibuprofen. I finally tried it..... it is pretty much my new savior. It really helps. I was like a new person when I kept it flowing through my body every four hours. I could chat with Nathan, talk with Sharon on the Phone, eat, watch a movie, enjoy the rain outside. This will get me hopefully through today again.... I woke up feeling okay but pretty much as soon as I move it starts getting uncomfortable. I can tell that soon I will take more ibuprofen. Is this chemo going to become more functional... will it learn how to work as what seems to have been helped by the first chemo last year? How much was that chemo and how much tong ren...... at this point I am loosing my faith in Tong Ren..... fast an furious. So for now that leaves me to trust the chemo and really really hope and use my mind to get this one shrinking the big ass tumors.
I can't believe how happy I am that the Ibuprofen seemed to work. I do not want to use oxycodon or morphine it makes me crazy, doesn't really help the pain that much, makes me puke, and get totally constipated...... I feared there was nothing that could help me to something that would help me get back into my threshold of pain tolerance. Thankfully for now.... there is an answer that is not too bad for my body......
I want so much still to have my body back.... where I can get some muscles again, be able to go for walks, better yet bike rides and yoga, better yet play and play and play....
My mom and Nathan suggested Ibuprofen. I finally tried it..... it is pretty much my new savior. It really helps. I was like a new person when I kept it flowing through my body every four hours. I could chat with Nathan, talk with Sharon on the Phone, eat, watch a movie, enjoy the rain outside. This will get me hopefully through today again.... I woke up feeling okay but pretty much as soon as I move it starts getting uncomfortable. I can tell that soon I will take more ibuprofen. Is this chemo going to become more functional... will it learn how to work as what seems to have been helped by the first chemo last year? How much was that chemo and how much tong ren...... at this point I am loosing my faith in Tong Ren..... fast an furious. So for now that leaves me to trust the chemo and really really hope and use my mind to get this one shrinking the big ass tumors.
I can't believe how happy I am that the Ibuprofen seemed to work. I do not want to use oxycodon or morphine it makes me crazy, doesn't really help the pain that much, makes me puke, and get totally constipated...... I feared there was nothing that could help me to something that would help me get back into my threshold of pain tolerance. Thankfully for now.... there is an answer that is not too bad for my body......
I want so much still to have my body back.... where I can get some muscles again, be able to go for walks, better yet bike rides and yoga, better yet play and play and play....
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Drugs For a Good Time
Wow, Nathan asked if I looked at the post I wrote once I already took sleeping medicine. He showed me what I wrote and it eve got me to laugh. I guess that drug used to make a friend who took it get up in the middle of night and eat delicious things without remembering that. Its probably good that this doesn't happen to me because I would hurt a lot if I ate as much as I want to eat and on top of it if I ate from the drug. Pretty funny to blog under the influence of the sleep drug. Makes me thing that maybe ti should become a pastime. It is giving me a little laugh which is great for me as much as possible.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Release from Crying
TonightI needed to be challengeg. It kept getting stuck..... I decided to call my dad..... i got it out.... it was helpful to get it out. for the most partet was helpful. Right now I am about t crash because I am drugged out by the sleep drug..... it is kicking in..... i feel calmer.... the crying was very useful....
Could even have a normal conversation with Nathan... thinking about ideas that will keep our sanity..... maybe i will get enough be able to bake a rock and we could learn the ropes to visiing farmets markets. Make freinds. Maybe connect with other cooops..... Feel good enough to hang with Rebecca and Suzanne. So dlose......things are looking better. slowly.... someday I want a big fad ice cream and some fried chicken....
okay cooked off now.
Could even have a normal conversation with Nathan... thinking about ideas that will keep our sanity..... maybe i will get enough be able to bake a rock and we could learn the ropes to visiing farmets markets. Make freinds. Maybe connect with other cooops..... Feel good enough to hang with Rebecca and Suzanne. So dlose......things are looking better. slowly.... someday I want a big fad ice cream and some fried chicken....
okay cooked off now.
How Do I Keep Going
There were some days that were better. I slept finally... using drugs but finally it worked. Two nights of 8 hours of sleep. Helps a lot.
How do I get myself through each day. How do I have fun. Dont feel well enough for many options. My mind is not allowing reading. Tried to play the fiddle didnt really work. So hungry but food only works in small bits and it is very easy to eat enough to feel bad. I dont know what my life will look like from minute to minute. My body, hard to tell what it is trying to do. Somepeople seem to think that it is all my own causing of this. That healing comes from my mind.... that my mind has created the cancer.... that it is all my fault. That is a lot of weight to hold.
For a few minutes on most days I can imagine being healthy. Imagine going places and finding fun things to do. Being home in Missouri, fisiting Portland, visiting Colorado or wherever Daniel might be, traveling some with Nathan, etc..... Sometimes I feel how joyful I felt before....only a few minutes..... mostly I cant understand how I can get through anything with a body that is not working how it is supposed to work. How it not working it could end.... yet it feels both close and far from the end. The continuing is not much fun though.
I am sad that I do not feel that I believe in the tong ren thing.... I believed so much before..... I see some people dong well.... I also see others who are not doing better..... why am I in the doing worse category..... why cant I believe..... how do I find healers.... how to I figure out how to get to where my mind, myself, is healing me......
my parents seem to want to answers to be hopefully coming from doctors..... there is a little from there but not much...... today I heard some pressure to just start believing in the doctors and do whatever he says...... they dont have much hope either..... they dont know either.....
how do I feel good enough that I can be ont he move.... i feel like I need to be on the move...... fill myself with womderful times and places and people..... find away to heal myself..... how how..... if this is not going to heal then I wish that it would end sooner rather than later...... why so slow..... how the fuck.... how how how..... in the moments when I can find some hope, some health, some image..... the image is so wonderful..... I wish I could just get into a stupor filled with only images of wonderful fun things......
why? WHY? What the fuck..... so, sad.....
I got the ability to garden a bit yesterday..... it was nice.... to be outside... feeling well enough to do a little..... so little and so much..... such a small existence..... I think if I feel a bit more better, maybe maybe I will find some way to feel hope..... believe..... desire to make it better.
How do I get myself through each day. How do I have fun. Dont feel well enough for many options. My mind is not allowing reading. Tried to play the fiddle didnt really work. So hungry but food only works in small bits and it is very easy to eat enough to feel bad. I dont know what my life will look like from minute to minute. My body, hard to tell what it is trying to do. Somepeople seem to think that it is all my own causing of this. That healing comes from my mind.... that my mind has created the cancer.... that it is all my fault. That is a lot of weight to hold.
For a few minutes on most days I can imagine being healthy. Imagine going places and finding fun things to do. Being home in Missouri, fisiting Portland, visiting Colorado or wherever Daniel might be, traveling some with Nathan, etc..... Sometimes I feel how joyful I felt before....only a few minutes..... mostly I cant understand how I can get through anything with a body that is not working how it is supposed to work. How it not working it could end.... yet it feels both close and far from the end. The continuing is not much fun though.
I am sad that I do not feel that I believe in the tong ren thing.... I believed so much before..... I see some people dong well.... I also see others who are not doing better..... why am I in the doing worse category..... why cant I believe..... how do I find healers.... how to I figure out how to get to where my mind, myself, is healing me......
my parents seem to want to answers to be hopefully coming from doctors..... there is a little from there but not much...... today I heard some pressure to just start believing in the doctors and do whatever he says...... they dont have much hope either..... they dont know either.....
how do I feel good enough that I can be ont he move.... i feel like I need to be on the move...... fill myself with womderful times and places and people..... find away to heal myself..... how how..... if this is not going to heal then I wish that it would end sooner rather than later...... why so slow..... how the fuck.... how how how..... in the moments when I can find some hope, some health, some image..... the image is so wonderful..... I wish I could just get into a stupor filled with only images of wonderful fun things......
why? WHY? What the fuck..... so, sad.....
I got the ability to garden a bit yesterday..... it was nice.... to be outside... feeling well enough to do a little..... so little and so much..... such a small existence..... I think if I feel a bit more better, maybe maybe I will find some way to feel hope..... believe..... desire to make it better.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Not Going Well
Seemed like things were going better, each a little better each day. Starting to be able to eat some and not feel horible etc..... as with things are changing faster than I can deal for the last three days seems like my liver is not doing well again. At first I tried to tell myself it was just the way it hurt more as things were healing.... now I think I need to be getting chemo more frequently..... damn it....
i have been feeling more need to find some new crazy healing.... i dont know what it is.... so much to write about it but feeling crap again..... i wish I coudl just eat again.... i am so hungry....
i have been feeling more need to find some new crazy healing.... i dont know what it is.... so much to write about it but feeling crap again..... i wish I coudl just eat again.... i am so hungry....
Health Update not by me
If you want updates about my health Nathan is keeping updated because he is now living with me and helping me a lot.
If you are interested in that update update him at this email and with that subject.
2nathanbrown@gmail.com
subject: Getting Tamar Updates
If you are interested in that update update him at this email and with that subject.
2nathanbrown@gmail.com
subject: Getting Tamar Updates
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