Okay so I have gotten some suggestions that if I feel like I should do chemo then I should consider it. I appreciate the support intended with those suggestions but I realize that I get pretty angry reading it. I think this is good. It helps me be even more clear that it is not the route I want to go.
I think if I start thinking about doing it what I need for support is the reminder that it is not in line with my world view and that I feel best when I am living in line with my world view, ethics, morals, and heart. If I decide to do it I will really really have to want it to do it even when my support system is doing what I asked for.... giving me support to follow the path that feels right even when it might be really really scary, even when doctors somehow believe that they can help me, even when they offer pain medications that make me feel like shit and still hurt and then make me hurt more and need to take more medication.
No, chemo is not the direction I want to go. Its like fasting for a day..... at some points in the day it can feel really hard, my body tries to tell me that it HAS to eat, tries to overcome my mind and will..... and then when I get past it and don't eat and wake up in the morning feeling so good and not even very hungry.... I know that my body didn't HAVE to eat and that sometimes sticking with the will is a hard path...... (not that I am fasting now, just from my experiences with fasting).
Anyway, the point is..... please help me stay strong in my path. Recognizing the strength of my reactions to the chemo suggestion helps me know that it is not the path I want to take.