Friday, June 18, 2010

End of my rope

I am losing my mind. I just dont know how much more my body can handle this. There is no longer any room inside my abdomen.... sooo hungry can eat really.... hurts.

I am starting chemo on Monday. I believe this is the last ditch effort.

my hope..... i want to live and get to play again. All I want again is to play.

i got suggested by 3 of my healers to head to chemo... see if it can by some time.

i am surprised at how quick i went from thinking that it was no roblem to really considering that there is not much hope left. For a while recently I felt sure that I was on the path to death.... oddly things have changed and I feel again like live is the path but fuck...i have no idea how to get there from here..... it pretty much is horrible again.

you can send things to either

38 sunset dr
milford, ma 0175


30 Welles Ave #3
Dorchester, MA 02124

I have no idea how much I will be at one or the other... the idea is one week of chemo in milford and then two weeks in dorchester......who the fuck knows

you can keep trying to call me but i am losing my ability to have much conversation... maybe you will get me and maybe not.... i have no idea if i will call back....

i appreciate every thing i get and hear about but i am once again at the point where i do not respond.


  1. Hi Tamar,

    I love you and my thoughts are with you...thanks for posting this and I hope to see you when you're back in Dorchester. I hate chemo too but if it can buy you time, and I think it can, I love it.


  2. Tamar,

    Today's yoga practice is dedicated to you. My mantra for you is: Heal, Tamar. Heal, Tamar. Heal, Tamar.

    Love, Kay

  3. Tamar,

    Do what you need to, no looking back. I love you and think about you every day. I'm sending you another Norfleet story today.


  4. Dear Tamar,
    Whatever you do is the best decision-- it is the only decision you can make, that is why you did it. I don't think that healing and chemo are separate from each other, or that there are different paths to live and to die. You are hacking your way through a great big mess, and you are being as brave and strong as you can be. You are always brave and strong, when you are weak or afraid too, because you are honest.
    I love you, and am trying to send you a little space of peace and comfort in the shape of a prayer. It looks like this-- it is red like a flower and has a space for screaming and for silence, and for escaping.
    I love you.

  5. Good luck with the chemo. You are making a difficult decision. May the combination of eastern and western healing get you the benefit you want.

  6. Tamar, although you have to do this alone, please know that you are not alone. Many heads and hearts are focused on you and trying to help support you the only way we can on this journey.
    You are loved.
    Your parents' friend, Anita

  7. Dearest Tamar,

    I feel the path to healing is all based on the individual's needs. Follow your heart, and you know it will be the right decision.

    As you well know, many people have healed by doing both chemo and energy healing. There is no right and wrong...I believe the key factor is doing what YOU believe in.

    You are so very brave. I have watched your soul develop in leaps and bounds these past few months. As the pendulum of life swings, you have gone from the lowest of lows, to highest of highs, and now...

    I am hoping and praying that pendulum will swing quickly and bring you back to the highest of highs once again.

    In the meantime do whatever it takes to ease your pain and suffering. You truly are a fighter. I am so proud to know you.

    Please know that Dave and I are here on the sidelines cheering you on. You may not see or hear us, but we are holding you in our hearts and minds,constantly sending healing thoughts.

    Take Care,
    Sandra and Dave Newhouse