Thursday, June 24, 2010

So Sad

Why ...why....why...

I dont understand.... i thought paid for enough the first time around....

why does my body have to act different

both tom and my doctor said is very odd that the liver came back.

i want to feel good

i want to be healthy

i want to go have fun

i want to eat

i want to know what to eat

i am so so so so sad


I always thought that if i died i really hoped it wasnt a slow one

not live and not death

i want to play

play play

i want to swim

i dont suggest being around me..... i am sooooo sooo mean...

i have no control of how horrible I am acting

the chemo isnt very bad.... no this is all just as bad as i was without the chemo

how can i learn that life has joy again

how am i going to just think that life is really really cruel

maybe the chemo is starting to change things but it is soooo small i cant tell

my compter seems like it is going to turn on is so hot...

please dont add that.... i cant deal with that

fuck fuck fuck

i want to be able to play and i cant yet

i get a few minutes to dream about fun

but it goes away

i am a miserable human being


  1. Hi Tamar,

    I feel your misery, frustration and pain. Its hard to hear but thank you so much for sharing it so openly with the world.

    And though you may have trouble feeling it right now, I know you are a brave, strong, loving, caring wonderful person who is loved by so many people.

    I wish I could send you fun and food and joy. Its hard enough to send a virtual hug, much less some fresh young kale from the garden wet with dew or a game of ultimate and a swim in the pond.

    But I'll try my best to send them all in whatever energetic way I can.

    With love and healing,

  2. Hi Tamar,

    Just wanted to say, "I believe in miracles."

    Chin up. There are brighter days ahead.

    Sending healing thoughts your way,


  3. Hello Tamar,

    Just recently viewed this on you tube, and immediately thought of you. After listening to it I replayed it, and heard what he said at the beginning. I knew then that I needed to share with you.

    He was one of my favorite musicians when I was a teenager - This was and still is my all time favorite song.I hope this inspires you, as it did me.

    Here are the lyrics that go with it:

    The Wind

    I listen to the wind
    To the wind of my soul
    Where I’ll end up well I think,
    Only God really knows
    I’ve sat upon the setting sun
    But never, never, never, never
    I never wanted water once
    No, never, never, never
    I listen to my words
    But they fall far below
    I let my music take me
    Where my heart wants to go
    I’ve swam upon the devil’s lake
    But never, never, never, never
    I’ll never make the same mistake
    No, never, never, never

  4. Tamar... Love, just love... M

  5. Girl, you have a right to be angry. This totally sucks. Your reactions are perfectly reasonable and appropriate. So you are mean right now. You are not Buddha. It's ok.