Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Phone Call

One of the things that is going on for me right now is that I am waiting to receive a phone call telling me the results of the biopsies. Tereza helped me realize that I am actually scared of this phone call. Up until now I mostly thought well its really bad regardless and I think I will still do the same thing in any case. I hadn't thought of all of the possible scenarios that might come from that phone call. I also realized that the information that will come from this phone call feels like the end of the first chapter "Diagnosis" of the journey. This leaves me with no choice but to step towards the next be named once I experience it.

The main possibilities are that it will be the faster or less fast but still fast moving kinds of pancreatic cancer. Now I realize that there is some possibility that it could be originating in the uterus, or they could have inconclusive findings and want to do more tests, or maybe its not cancer at all.

I am recognizing that I am scared of the results suggesting adenosarcoma. The super fast kind. I recognize that my biggest fear is getting through the challenge of this news in order to regain my composure and strength of mind and spirit to continue on the path that I have set out on. I feel certain that I will but I don't feel welcoming of the possible hard time in between now and then. Thankfully I know I will be well supported in getting through this.

If it originates in the uterus it means a whole new round of research to understand the different implications of this. I am getting tired of research and I have barely done any of it. I am sure my amazing internet research team will make quick work of this but I feel tired when I think about it. Are they going to try to take my uterus? I sometimes imagine that they (that is the doctors and surgeons) will try to get my organs so they can sell them next to the bear gall on the black market. I wonder how much tumerous uterus sells for these days.

If the results are inconclusive. I think I will feel angry that my liver was a pin cushion and that it didn't tell us anything. I also fear that they will try to get me to accept more invasive tests. I think it will be hard for my family when I take a lot of time to search my heart to see if I am willing to have my body invaded again. I am still feeling the effects of the first invasions I think. I am thankful because I believe that one of the procedures saved my life by virtue of relieving the bilirubin buildup that turned me yellow and zapped my energy and pained my digestive system. I am not sure I will accept anymore. It doesn't feel conducive to healing.

If it is not cancer at all then what is it.... is it worse? More than that talk about the "boy who cried wolf." I can imagine feeling a bit sheepish to put you all through this and then say, guess what it was all just a little extra gas but now I let out a big fart and everything is okay. I think it is unlikely but it sure would be weird to have experienced cancer without having to experience cancer.

Every time the phone rings I feel the fear rise in my body in the form of heat starting at my toes and moving upwards. My breathing increases and I both hope it is the doctors so I can be done with this step and also hope it is anyone else because they will not be the doctors.

Yes, Alyson. Between 6:00 and 6:15 sounds great to go to Sandhill dinner. Thank goodness, not the doctors.

There is only a half hour left until I think that they will not call today. Tonight I will focus on welcoming their news and welcoming the next step of the journey.


  1. Waiting for those kind of phone calls is the most intense kind of waiting one can experience. I hope that you did get a phone call, even if it is to say "we'll call you tomorrow". Your blog made me laugh, and tear up. I I, too hope that it's just gas!

  2. I was wondering today if it was a totally bad idea to call you and now I'm glad I didn't. I hate to think of your phone ringing and your being afraid to answer it. I'm off work tomorrow--call anytime or let me know if you would like to be called.

    love, Suzanne

  3. I imagine that the not knowing is one of the hardest parts of it all right now. It's hard to know where to direct your energy when you don't know where you're starting from. Regardless of the news on the other end of the phone there will be one less weight on your shoulders once that phone call arrives. Love you!

  4. I've not read all your post yet because I'm having to take this all in piece by piece. But I have one comment. In an earlier email (forwarded to me by Gigi) you asked for ideas for words rather than "fight" and other aggressive terms. In your post you talk of your "composure", and I'm wondering whether that by that you mean inward or outward. Also, wondering whether "compose" or "composure" might be words on the road to the language you're looking for. Love, Toby

  5. I hate "waiting"-- it feels like suspended time in a way. Especially when it is waiting for something with such high stakes. Did they call? How was the Sandhill dinner? :) Are you eating better now?