Saturday, September 26, 2009


Today started out as a pretty good day. I felt energetic even though I didn't sleep well. I made a finally decision about when to let my family come to bring me to MA. I took my first 17 pills and then the next 7 with breakfast. Things generally felt good.

I then decided that I was going to cook for myself and in the process for Tom, Tereza, Mary Beth and Dan because it was easy to modify just a portion of the recipe to work for my diet. I realized when I was out harvesting veggies that maybe I wasn't really up for this task I was so excited about. So I found help.

By the time round three of pills was in the works I knew that my body was not liking this regimen. Basically I felt nasty.

I wasn't ready for a day of feeling nasty. It took me by surprise after feeling so great yesterday. When I made the decision to follow a natural route to healing I didn't ever consider that that too might make me feel sick. I am sure it is nothing compared with chemo or radiation but it is already a challenge to keep putting things into my body that don't feel good and it has only been one day.

Some of the realities of my situation are starting to set in and it is going to take some work to find acceptance of them. The diet is started to loose its charm (maybe it will get reinvigorated once I get some delicious homemade raw crackers that my friend Stef is sending) all I want to eat that is on it is avocado and nori and avocado is marginal in its placement on the diet. The idea of natural supplements is not exciting tonight. I am starting to look at things like bread and really want them. I had my first little pang of noticing envy when someone was talking about what she was going to do tomorrow because it would not be something that I can do for a long time, going out to eat at a French restaurant or morover going anywhere and knowing that most liekly I will feel good enough to enjoy it.

Tonight I have an all mens (except me) hands on healing session. I was feeling like I needed some testosterone energy. Right now I just feel like being alone and working on accepting that I am going through a hard spot but I bet the healing session will be great.


  1. Tamar-

    I realize reading your musings that while living with you for 1 1/2 years I have heard you reflect many times out loud, but never really read your writing. You are a great writer! You make me chuckle out loud. Thanks for sharing this journey with us.


  2. Tam,

    Thank you so much for letting us join you so intimately on your journey. I love you.

  3. Tam,
    This feels like a book in the making! Love it.
    We hurt when you hurt. Ne malinka.
    Mom and Dad

  4. Tamar,
    I echo Danit's sentiments- thank you so much for giving us such an intimate, sometimes difficult to read, and detailed picture of what has been going on for you. Thank you! Have been looking at the blog 2, 3 times a day (and it's not that I am bored or anything :)) Could you tell us a little more about what these pills are? And I want to hear about this all mens' healing session! And, I really, really hope you get to go to that french restaurant soon!
    Lots and lots of love, Michele

  5. I'm with Megan and your mom and dad. You are a great writer!

    Also, thinking of you as the tribal elder (medicine woman) makes a lot of sense (you wrote this in another post).

    Yes, thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings. Your post about breath and pain was a yoga teaching in and of itself.

    Love, Lisa

  6. hi tamar,
    i know your sister sharon a bit. we're friends with ellen & angel. my partner and i have been touched by your journey and just wanted to send along blessings to you. my partner lisa is a breast cancer survivor and although her diagnosis was has still kicked our butts and changed our lives forever. i wanted to pass along two websites to you which have been very fun and inspiring for us...especially lisa. you might already know but here ya go: &
    many, many blessings to you, andi, lisa & stella (our 3yrold)