Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Body Change Faster Than Puberty

I am fascinated by anatomy and physiology. Melany and I used to stay after school to dissect more of our anatomy class cat. One year I gave Melany a horses leg that I got from a workshop I went to at Tufts for her birthday and we dissected it in my basement. When I think back, that was really amazing that the vets let me keep the leg. I would expect that in institutions things are so regulated that they wouldn't have let me. Just recently I uncovered Mayas now clean bones and explored her skull. My obsession with anatomy has not changed much over the years.

I frequently watch different bodies (alive ones) and how they move. I wonder what it would be like to be really skinny or to be really heavy. I am now getting to experience the skinny side. When my friends have been pregnant I ask them... how is it for you to have your body change faster than any other time in your life maybe besides prenatal and newborn stages, maybe even including puberty. How can a body change so fast and still be okay? Over the last month I have lost about 17 pounds. I don't recommend this weight loss program. Besides the part where it comes with feeling badly and have tumors in my vital organs (some people argue that the pancreas isn't exactly vital but I disagree) it has been really fun to explore the changes.

I have found that many of the ways that movement seems different between skinny bodies and my normal body are actually true. For example I am finding sitting with my legs crossed to be exceptionally comfortable, even more I find sitting with them double crossed, the way I used to watch Annie do in AP English class (It was English class but I clearly much preferred to think about anatomy) and I could only barely do after having an 8 year regular yoga practice, to be really comfortable. My joints are more flexible, I can squat more fully without heavy muscling behind my legs, clothing is more comfortable. I also notice that my knees and ankles hurt each other when I lie on my side because the bones are not padded well, my watch is too big (I thought my wrists were already skinny, who knew that they too had fat on them), I can feel more clearly the undulations in my skull, I cant stop playing with my fingers if I cross my hands because there is so much more accessible to feel, I can no longer use the rolls of fat in my belly to talk (sorry Sharon we wont be able to make our bellies talk to each other for a while, mine is on silent meditation retreat), I can explore my ribs and spine more fully, and all that underwear I packed is now too big on me, guess I will have to buy more.

Emotionally it has been fun to explore skinny but things do come up. I am appreciating the curves I used to have more than I did before and the padding that protected me from my own bones. I finally believe all the people who used to tell me they love my belly.When I look at my body I feel a little disoriented because it feels a little bit juvenile compared to the way my body has been for the last 14 years. When I did a breast self exam I got startled because I had cancer on the mind and all of a sudden there were all sorts of "bumps" that hadn't been there before.....most people call them ribs.

There are some other changes that are interesting to me. My hair has gotten bouncier and has started parting on the opposite side and my nails are growing faster. Hmmmm.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Tamar,

    I love how tuned in to your body you always are. It breaks my heart to think of you so skinny. You were skinny enough already. How is the stent doing? I would love to know what's going on in Mass, if you've seen doctors there yet and if you've found a healer to work with.