Today was a super intense day. It was filled with so many lessons and new experiences. I am in awe at how a whole new world has opened up to me right here in the place I have been living and exploring for 8 years.
I woke up feeling good, surrounded by the distinct crispness that comes with fall here and usually sets me and many others into a bit of a panic/scared/super-efficient mode. Houses need to get closed in, wood needs stacking, tender garden crops needs covering to extend the season. This year I needed to take a walk. Lesson one: taking a walk is hard work these days, appreciate every step.
I have been wanting to walk to Red Earth Farms for a month now and have not managed to do it.
Ali joined me on my very slow walk. She helped me keep my slow pace, accepted when I needed to stop and sit down, and allowed me to be a somewhat silent observer to our "conversation." After some excited kisses by Alyson when we arrived I crashed out on Alyson's bed and proceeded to head into a dark space. My pancreas hurt, the rest of my body was tired, and I started to be able to imagine the situation in which the stent doesn't cut it because it is not draining my pancreas sufficiently. I imagined the situation in which my organs start failing before I have a chance to help them heal. It wasn't so much scary as matter of fact feeling. In this part of my journey I question every painful sensation....is that something I should have checked out, is that a new tumor, should I be paying more attention to that one..... for now there is no more "just stretch it out" when it comes to pain. With Alyson by my side I worked through this, eventually sitting up and realizing that maybe it was just gas moving through my system.
After dragging myself up the hill to check out the plaster party that was happening at the barn which I had not even seen all baled in yet. I headed home. The release with Alyson, crisp breeze, and sunshine helped lift my spirits but it still felt like a long way home. Half way up the hill I had to stop to take a break. I watched the clouds whisk by in the windy sky and let the sunshine warm my body before starting again. As I neared the village I wondered, "what if I try to run. Am I even able to run anymore? I already feel low, it couldn't hurt." So I ran, and I ran... all 30 feet. It was like running a marathon. While I ran my pain eased and my limbs felt refreshed. When I stopped I wondered if I would make it back to my house. Panting and dragging I headed home. Gave Kurt a hug, said a few words to Nathan and asked Liat for help (I am getting better at asking for help) with food. I got to my house and threw myself onto my bed. After about 5 minutes I checked in with my body "body whats going on for you?" My body responded "I fell great." I said "what" in disbelief. Again my body responded "I feel great...get up eat something and enjoy it."
For about two hours I felt energized, pain free, and excited. What a day of learning new edges, boundaries, limits, and freedom.
Juan came down for a quick visit before leaving to Florida for a funeral. He did a quick tarot reading. The results were super to the point and uplifting...... the final card located in the position "the outcome" read....
Ace of Cups.
Happiness of Water
A good chance to experience and use the whole potential of love the imagination intuition and the emotions. Complete self-confidence, spirituality, vitality, healing, great love and happiness. To feel closely attached.