Sunday, November 1, 2009

When Self-Hypnosis Turns into Raging Screams

My mom before I knew I had cancer! and My mom now!

There was a day last week when my mother decided that she was going to set up every kind of healing she could all in one day. Here is how it went...

My day started with a lot of pain, more than I expected because I had gone to acupuncture the day before.... I went to acupuncture and left feeling....lots of pain. I cried in the car with my dad. He gently held my hand, I am sure he was wishing he could take all of my pain away but offered what he could, a more realistic type of comfort. I felt desperate to be out of pain. I didn't think I could take any more. I keep comparing it to what I see in laboring women and thinking... when they think they cant take anymore they are frequently almost done..... what about me....can I be almost done?

The next appointment was to learn some self hypnosis tools for pain with John and MariePatrice. My parents were listening in on speaker phone to try to learn tools to help me also. Johns voice was so soothing and he was flowing well with the challenges I was dishing out when I couldn't visualize this or that.... eventually I admitted that I was getting very agitated and wanted to scream. J and MP immediately switched what they were offering me and we went to screaming.... I sent my parents out of the room. I explained why I couldn't scream.... there was so much screaming in my house growing up, it always led to pain, I never saw it lead to a more comfortable place of understanding and loving, mostly it would end but never seemed resolved and could come back out of the blue. Also It hurts when I scream. Hurts my voice. Now that I am a concert vocalist I have to worry about things like my voice. MO suggested putting a washcloth in my mouth. I decided that the worst that could happen is that I still couldn't scream. When I first did it I felt like someone had put a gag on me to make me not scream. I wanted to spit it out and make it go away for an instant, than I thought, what if I was being gagged and needed to scream...could I do it.... and out it came.....and came.....and came..... and came..... and during breaks they coached me to help me understand this anger and then I screamed more....and more...and more..... It was a most excellent release and new understanding and also the pain below and into my ribs eased....a lot.

Then I had a phone visit with a tong ren practitioner. He spent over an hour with me. The pain was set on running away from his efforts. I felt like it was a high speed game of chase where the pain was avoiding being worked on at all costs. Finally in the last 20 minutes things slowed down and the pain gave in a little and let itself be worked on. Not profound but something.

Then I went to get a massage. It was nice but by that point my body had integrated all it was going to in one day so I couldn't really tell if there was any difference. Mostly I felt spent.

I got home to find that Apple had sent me a package of propolis from Sandhill bees... its about the propolis and breast milk diet.. in a few years it will be all the rage. In it was the long awaited Apple and Ali sing CD. It came with a warning that it might not play and I shouldn't get too excited. Well too late because I was excited and there was nothing that was going to be okay about it not working. I started a bath, got new candles, turned the lights low and put the CD ......and thankfully it I put it on repeat. I surrendered into the bathtub, which is where I can be found about half of the time these days, and cried when I heard my friends singing to me. They sang and they sang and never cared that I kept asking for the same songs over and over, they just kept singing them. I dreamed that one day I could join the Apple and Ali choir but I would definitely have to work on my slight southern accent among other things.

That night I was wanting to go to sleep but felt restless and pretty much beside myself not knowing what I needed. As usual now, when I want my mom she comes without calling. She racked her brain for ideas that might help me but nothing felt right. Finally I said, please just cuddle me. AS soon as she got in bed beside me I thrashingly said no, this is not it "get up" "I need to get up" (note the less than sweet language my mom has graciously been taking from me, I try so hard not to dish it out but this time I couldn't help it. Anyway, I found myself downstairs with a dishtowel in my mouth screaming more and more, and dry heaving into the sink, and screaming, and raging around. My mom joined me. She sat with me and even joined in some when I screamed. She rubbed my back when I heaved. She spotted me on the treadmill when I decided that I needed to run (not for long), she pumped up the yoga ball by hand with a tiny pump when I decided we needed to play ball, she kept at it even when I said I didn't want it anymore and went back upstairs to heave again. We tried the bath, and she tried to offer visualization, and song, and then other song when I wanted something more tuneful, and then other mantra when visualization wasn't it, and then other when that didn't work. Finally I wanted to be alone in bed and she was off the hook. Eventually I calmed down and slept.

I have always thought that I maybe don't want kids because I could never offer my kids what my mom offered me..... now the bar might be even higher.

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