Monday, November 23, 2009

The Hard Part

I guess this is the hard part. The part I felt so stoic about in the beginning when I wasn't into it. I feel like I lied to everyone with that stoic attitude. I am not stoic now. I can barely make it through the nights or the days. My family is helping and trying hard to keep the mood up but it is taking a toll on them also.

There is improvement each day. Never feels like enough. When am I going to feel healthy again. Am I going to feel healthy again. Do I continue with chemo therapy? Do I take what I got from it and stop while I am ahead?

I need some good fiction books. I am out. I am sick of reading self help books and most of the time I am not up for reading anyway. Maybe I can get into books on cd.

The hard part didn't look so hard before I was in it. A part of me knew but I don't think I really got it. How could I? No one can unless you are in it or around it.

Alyson visited me. I felt sooo jealous. It was the first time I felt jealous of my healthy friends. Jealous that they could do what they want to do right now. Jealous that Alyson could choose to visit me and fell good and laugh and play with Colie. I could barely handle seeing Colie. It was too much. She has changed so much and I am missing it. I am missing a lot of my former life.

This is a new life. There is nothing left of what I was. I need to see what this one is offering me. So far its not as good. I liked my life how it was. There were some changes I wanted to make but I was making them.

Marie Patrice came yesterday. That was helpful. Got some screaming out..a tiny bit of crying. She helped me remember that this is my path and my journey and that it is not always going to look like this but this is where it is now and that there are things to learn at each stage. That the emotions are just energy passing through me. That life knows what it is doing. I do believe that life knows what it is doing but this one is not fun. I like fun.

Yoga, meditation they escape me. Where are you when I need you the most? I guess that is part of the path also. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....


  1. Sweetness,

    Sydney here, writing from Southern California. You have been in my thoughts so much since I heard of your news on the Superhero ride through Ethan. I have been praying for you and dedicating my yoga practice to you. On Saturday I practiced at a studio here where there was Kirtan afterwards and the singers led us in a chant that I remember you leading us through last year when the superheros were at DR and we took a class with you out on the frisbee field: Ide Were Were. Remember? I sang in the tradition of the song to help you overcome your enemy right now, these cells that are wanting to take over you and take you to another side. Love will overcome. Are you able sometimes even for the briefest moment to love them? Even at the same time you are hating them?

    So Arjen just sent me the link to your blog and I am so glad you have this avenue to vent and express and open your journey to us through. Last night I was awake with thoughts about your body rejecting food and thinking that it was saying "quit eating, this is too much for me!" It sounds like you and the doctors have heeded that message and allowed for a less energy intensive pathway for nutrition, as awful as the IV may feel. I am staying with Paul's sister who is studying to be an intuitive natural healer, right now. She is helping me with some things in my body and I will ask her to listen for you too.

    Also, I met a healer in Chimayo, NM whom I will contact again. We asked him on the superhero ride to think of you and bless you and I will let him know more and ask again.

    I can hear how hard this is, what strength it is taking just to *be* in each moment. I can't even imagine it, Tamar. I love you and support you in each decision, each moment of choosing another breath and turning towards the light, or facing into the darkness and asking it what and why, why is it here knocking at your door. I love you in your anger and your weakness, in your fear. I love you in your hope and awareness and growth. I love your spirit and feel you connected to mine, always.

  2. Dear daughter
    AS hard as the journey is I feel that the last
    two days you made great progress. You took
    orally more food. The IV gave you more
    energy, the visit to the Doctor indicated reasonably good
    blood parameters, our walk (Yes you jugged a bit)
    was much longer than the one on Saturday and you had a
    very busy day . We Mon and I understand that you are
    jealous of your friends but we will make any effort to
    help you to return to normal life, it will be a long journey
    but we will get there.
    So as I always say chin up and the next day will be better
    Than today
    Love Dad

  3. Hi Tamar,

    The darkness is always darkest before the dawn, isn't that the saying...I hope that that is true. It is very hard to hear how hard things are for you, but it is better hearing then not hearing. I am glad you are done being stoic. I like the attitude of your Marie Patrice and I am so glad you have such a wonderful family. I wish I could bring you an armload of books right this minute. I'm broke so I hope somebody else is on this. I'm sure somebody else is. Anyway, I love you and I'm thinking about you always and I hope today is better.