I guess this is the hard part. The part I felt so stoic about in the beginning when I wasn't into it. I feel like I lied to everyone with that stoic attitude. I am not stoic now. I can barely make it through the nights or the days. My family is helping and trying hard to keep the mood up but it is taking a toll on them also.
There is improvement each day. Never feels like enough. When am I going to feel healthy again. Am I going to feel healthy again. Do I continue with chemo therapy? Do I take what I got from it and stop while I am ahead?
I need some good fiction books. I am out. I am sick of reading self help books and most of the time I am not up for reading anyway. Maybe I can get into books on cd.
The hard part didn't look so hard before I was in it. A part of me knew but I don't think I really got it. How could I? No one can unless you are in it or around it.
Alyson visited me. I felt sooo jealous. It was the first time I felt jealous of my healthy friends. Jealous that they could do what they want to do right now. Jealous that Alyson could choose to visit me and fell good and laugh and play with Colie. I could barely handle seeing Colie. It was too much. She has changed so much and I am missing it. I am missing a lot of my former life.
This is a new life. There is nothing left of what I was. I need to see what this one is offering me. So far its not as good. I liked my life how it was. There were some changes I wanted to make but I was making them.
Marie Patrice came yesterday. That was helpful. Got some screaming out..a tiny bit of crying. She helped me remember that this is my path and my journey and that it is not always going to look like this but this is where it is now and that there are things to learn at each stage. That the emotions are just energy passing through me. That life knows what it is doing. I do believe that life knows what it is doing but this one is not fun. I like fun.
Yoga, meditation they escape me. Where are you when I need you the most? I guess that is part of the path also. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....