Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Still Catching Up

I found my path for now....

I am going to be seeing Tom Tam twice a week at least until Thanksgiving. I am on pain meds but he assures me he will help me get off of them and that this cancer is no big deal. He does say that right now this is an emergency. Seems in line with how I feel. I am also going to see Monica once a week. Also I am hoping to have an appointment with MariePatrice once a week at least. Also I am supposed to get in on the internet guinea pig classes but I keep missing them for one reason or another.... I will get those in soon. Oh yeah and then there is also the propilis and breastmilk.

The other night when I felt panicky and anxious and finally felt tired enough to try sleep again there was no sleep when I tried. In my head I heard MP suggest that it is all just energy and to watch it. I decided to stop labeling it and to stop trying to sleep and watched it. It was really really cool. I felt like energy was bouncing around chaotically inside of my body trying so hard to find order but only gaining chaotic momentum. For a short while I felt my face contorting I didn't look into a mirror but it felt like it was making all of the faces that I react so strongly to that my father makes. All of the face which he has no willingness to admit he makes. It felt good to be on the other side of them, to be making them in rapid fire succession.... then my body just shook for a while, then it was all I could do to not call MP at 2am (maybe that would have been okay but we certainly have not discussed that possibility and it was probably better to ride out the full experience alone, I might not have been able to speak anyway) I suddenly felt glorious. The new experience of yelling earlier in the week combined with giving attention to my inner child left me yearning for more.... I felt completely open to finding all of the places where I have been blocked in my life I wanted to explore it all right then like the key to the treasure chest had been found and now I had access to all of the treasures inside of me I wanted more of understanding my reactions to my father, more of understanding what the little girl has to tell me...what was the effect of knowing about the holocaust from such a young age, what are the things, thought patterns, ideas holding me back, why do I mumble and speak so quietly, why is it hard to orgasm, why do I relate to money the way I do, etc...I cant even remember all the ideas that came up but it all felt right there, ready to be sorted out, ready to for the energy to dissipate into the universe. I didn't feel any sense of fatigue related to personal growth, didn't want a break, didn't feel like it would be too hard.... every part of my being felt ready to dive in and play in the chest of treasures that are me.

Again, for real or drug induced.....I don't know but I'll take it.

I went for my tui na session yesterday. Wow......wow..... she warned me that one thing she wanted to do would bruise me...I said go for it. She started with a little tong ren. Then I moved onto the massage table and she proceeded to scrape my back (the bruise inducing thing). It felt amazing. I had no idea that I had been wanting that for months but my body felt like it was finally getting something it had been screaming for for months. It didn't feel so great when she went over my bones, which have no paddling on them (it is still weird for me to be a bony person) but overall..blissful. She used some kind of icy/hot stuff while she did the scraping so when she moved on to hot stones the sensation is indescribable. Hot, cold, surface, deep, I don't know but really great. She finished off with tui na. Some of it was as painful as the first session with Tom but some which had been painful was now blissful. We were both laughing at how different my body was in just a few short days. She still knew all the right spots to work and still got some great big painful moans out of me. She finished by drawing a circle with her finger under my right shoulder blade and then pressing lightly in the middle of the circle. I instantly started crying. Yeah!

Today I went for my last traditional acupuncture session for a while. As usual it was also great but I am letting it go for a while because I cant handle so many appointments. For now I am also stopping my other massage appointments.

It feels so good to finally (which when I stop and look it feels long but has only been 2 months since diagnosis, finding this path has not really been as long as it felt) have things narrowed down to a path that feels right for now. I feel so good about it in this moment that if I didn't hate when people preach things that are only just new to them I would say hey Sharon, Sara, Tereza, Sparky, Alyson, Ziggy, Thomas...etc....... your ailments are fixable and you need to come crash with me in Milford and see this dude because he will fix things........ But if this turns out to be for real sign me up because I am going to get trained and go home and help heal my people. Monica is even claiming that they could have dealt with the blocked duct and I wouldn't have needed to stent....hmmm..... I am not sure that even if I knew then what I know now I would have been bale to believe that much..... but maybe.....


  1. Tamar, you're an amazingly strong woman. I'm learning a lot from your blog. Your journey will stay with me as I travel through medical school. You're helping me to become a better doctor, and there is no appropriate way to thank you. Kol tov - in the most literal sence - I hope for all to be well.

  2. tamar, thank you for sharing your experiences on this healing journey. what an amazing and powerful unfolding you are experiencing. each great healer i know faced their own mortality in the process of truly learning how to heal. so glad that you are trusting yourself in choosing the therapeutic energies to engage. sending you much love. lisa-allette

  3. Hi Tamar,

    This is Naomi, Mel and Joyce Rabinowitz' daughter. I don't know if you remember me, but we saw each other a few times while we were growing up.

    Thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us and for being so honest about what you're going through. Please continue to keep us posted on your journey -- I'm very intrigued by your breast milk idea! We're thinking of you here in New York and sending positive, healing vibes.