Wednesday, November 11, 2009

When Digestion Becomes a Conscious Effort

Tow days ago I went for my second tui na treatment. I am pretty much convinced that Monica is magic. I went in after loosing the breakfast I painstakingly ate and feeling pretty awful because of the constipation that is caused by the pain meds. I definitely used to take my twice a day regularity for granted, I had no idea how awful constipation is before this whole pain med experience. Anyway, throughout the course of a fairly painful session which included scraping that leaves my back bruised (I will upload a photo soon). Monica eased the pain and I was even able to sit up with no back rest comfortably). She made it so my dad and I could go to Rockport and take advantage of the sun and the ocean before heading home. When he suggested it on the way there I thought there was no way......

SO I had a nice time in Rockport with my father. We walked and sat at my pace. Held hands as we walked down the pier. Ate some seafood which I later, as my buddy Aurelia would say "bawfed it up" in one of my favorite of her passing expressions. I wonder what my new favorite would be, it just about time for a new one. I am sure next time I see her she might be using vocabulary words that are bigger than I understand.

SO that day I was pretty much 0 for 0 on the food thing.

By later that afternoon I felt awful. Crying pain, professing that I couldn't do it anymore, not being very nice to my mom, admitting something I think about a lot which is that I don't know if I really want to live and it feels like a lot of pressure to have people telling me that I need to know that I want to live and keep that present with me all the time. Maybe I am misunderstanding but thats how I take it. I need to figure that piece out. Sometimes I wonder when I am in so much pain what it will feel like if dying becomes close at hand.... I hope the pain eases first.

SO yesterday when I lost my breakfast again (I think, I cant remember the order anymore) my mom called the doctor and he recommended that I come in for fluids and iv nausea drugs. After blaming my mom for being the only reason I was accepting this treatment I realized that I sort of wanted to go in and see what the doctor had to say regarding all the drugs I am on anyway. I then realized that I think IV fluid would be good and also that I might as well give in an pump two more chemicals into my body. One thing is that it is kind of nice to have the thing I am doing being just sitting there. It is like being in a bath. I don't have to find some way to occupy myself and feel bad because I ma not able to meditate and not feeling up for learning chi gong or doing yoga. It was also nice to have my mom leave for a bit so I could have some time where I am not being watched. I have asked my parents to try to watch me so they can assess how I am feeling without asking me and it is also just kind of what happens when we live together and they are taking care of me. A break however was nice.

When my blood work from the day came back my already low hemoglobin from a few weeks ago 10.1 was down to a really low level of 8.5. This is a fast dip and getting to scary levels for medical folks and midwives. I grudgingly accepted a blood transfusion for later today. Also more fluids I think.

This night I ate some and had my first breastmilk because Danit came to bring it/visit. I was worried about a visit and that I wouldn't be up for it but it is going great and nice to have a new distraction for times when I feel up for it but not up for anything else. The boost of fluids and meds that day made me in a good space for a visit. The breastmilk was freshly pumped and felt as deeply spiritual going down as I expected it would. I also ate some other food. Thanks to the new meds and a whole to of mental work it is staying down but I am still having to work on it 9 hours after eating. Oh digestion where have you gone, please come back.

So 5 hours in the infusion ward today. It is a very nice place. A full stocked kitchen, not that I want to eat. Private rooms with private bathrooms. I got reflexology done right there in my room with no doing of my own to make it happen. It is brand spankin new and the nurses are nice. She didn't make me go home with bright pink vetwrap on the iv line. It feels like a big deal to get a transfusion because I think about the story when I was little and they wanted to give me a blood transfusion and it wasn't really safe because it was the 70's and my dad says he fought tooth and nail to not let them give me one. It is much safer now but it still feels somehow wrong. It is weird to put someone elses blood into me. My dad shares a blood type but they say it is higher likelihood of complications when one gets blood from a family member. Plus I am not sure that I want more of his genetics given the cancer history, heart disease, and diabetes. His blood might not even be eligible because of those things anyway.

One triumph of yesterday was that the doctor told me to take off the pain patch medication. Gone.....nice. Most of the pain I am having has to do with constipation now. That is a good thing and might be related to Tong Ren and Tui Na and Acupuncture. Maybe that whole thing is working. I am still on pain meds. We are working to make the only one be the original one that the naturopath suggested. This doctor knows a lot more about it and agrees about its lesser effect on the immune system. So tonight I was supposed to try the sleep med/anti depressant (that is the secondary effect, not such a bad side effect). This is already the second time I am totally awake....hmmm.... I think I am still working on keeping the food down....grrrr....

Oh, the social worker int he hospital came to visit me. I wanted to tell her to shut up and leave me alone but I refrained and eventually just closed my eyes because I thought I should give her a chance. Not helpful at all. Empathy is not something I am lacking nor something that she was able to phrase in a helpful way. It was nice of them to send her in to try though.

I am actually kind of looking forward to the rest of today. One reason is that I don't have to try to sleep anymore once it is time to go. Another reason is there is a high likelihood of feeling somewhat better afterwards. Also, maybe I will poo today. Yippee for poo. Also maybe I will end up licking up some new talents from the energy of the person whose blood I am getting.


  1. sounds like you are really going through the wringer Tamar...not much anyone can say I guess except that I love you and I'm thinking about you and I'm hoping the day brings you some poo and some new energy and that the tong ren etc. is working it's magic at a level you can't yet feel. maybe it has to bring all of the poison up to the surface before it can let it go. Suzanne

  2. Tamar! Keep up the Good Work. Thank you so much for posting these blogs, I really appreciate it.
    I pray that beneath the stranger in your body and the stagnation that your light is shining bright and in the flow.
    much much much much much much much love love love love

  3. heya... so I've spent 15 years being part of a personal practice that says that deciding what you want is essential to creating that... and I don't totally buy that anymore. People get good things without intending them all the time; and shit happens without intending it all the time. Please don't torture yourself by thinking that you can't live through this without conscious belief management... this just adds more guilt and mind fuck to the whole thing. Maybe it is just as important that you stay present and be OK with feeling how you are feeling. That is really facing the hard spot and I think that may be the best thing to do, no matter where this journey takes you.