Friday, October 16, 2009


Holy shit. What did I just write. I accepted a test that I have no understanding of what it will show and what the purpose of having this information is. I thought I would never do this and I wont. Thankfully I have time before it was scheduled and I can cancel it.

I cant believe that I said yes when I have no concept of why.

I was reading a book written in the 80's which is turning out to be a great next book to the last one I read. Its called Love, Medicine, and Miracles. In it he describes a patient who refused to leave her room for x-rays until they would explain to her why they were doing it. I thought.... that woman is like me, or I am like that woman.... then it hit me.... no I am not.... I am going to have a procedure where they shoot me up yet again with radioactive material and I don't even know why.....

I guess there was a reason that the $1.99 used book jumped out at Miss Lindsey. It was more than the dramatic scalpel and the rose on the front cover.


  1. I don't know what the test they want to give you is -- the only thing I know about octriatide is that it's a drug they use to help control carcinoid symptoms and slow the growth of tumors. It's a synthetic version of the hormone somatostatin and inhibits the release of a bunch of other hormones.

    But anyway, I guess my thought on it is that if the results of the test, whatever they may be, will make no difference in how you choose to approach this illness or how you plan to spend your time (if let's say the results were to say that it's more aggressive than originally thought) then I wouldn't get it either. If the results of the test could possibly affect how you want to approach things then I would at least try to get some more information about it. Doctors are notorious for not explaining things well, or at all, or in terms that anyone who didn't go to medical school can understand.

  2. Tamar-

    In such an emotional and confusing time don't forget to be loving towards yourself. Sometimes you'll make mistakes, sometimes you'll change your mind, sometimes you'll be angry or depressed. It's all part of the process...the Journey. My mom always says, Wherever you are is exactly where you need to be. I like that advice because it's all about accepting the present moment, however it is...and then the second part for me is then looking at the situation and deciding if I want to change it or not. The acceptance coming first feels more peaceful to me and helps ground me for the second part.

    From your posts it seems like you are doing an amazing job with accepting your illness. Don't forget to accept how Tamar acts in relation to all of this.

  3. Although results of a test might not immediately help you, or you might not understand all of the implications of a test, the results might help others develop a better understanding of cancers and how to treat them.

  4. I loved that book Tamar....glad you are reading it.