Tuesday, October 20, 2009

What I Have Been Waiting For

So it is finally here. The piece that I have been waiting for. The part where it finally hits that there is shit going on in my body and I have to be conscious of it at all time.... well maybe I don't have to be but I cant stop yet and when I do I get the Alfred the Alligator song stuck in my head for hours on end when I cant sleep. I am thankful that although it is coming after a really hard night and the aftermath that seems to have on my well being the next day, today's acupuncture and tong ren and warm jack-o-lantern lit bath with new music mix playing have made it possible for me to actually cry. It doesn't seem to be making me hurt more but I am scared it will. Until now it has mostly hurt to much to cry fully. It feel so good to be able to tonight.

Right now I feel tired of all this cancer business. I don't know how to find the path that feels good and there are so many options. I can barely make it to the end of the street when I go for walks and I have to sit down to take breaks at that. Meditation escapes me and I am having trouble not being hard on myself for not being able to find it....everyone says how important it is. I am scared to go to bed because of the part when I wake up in the middle of the night and cant sleep and don't want to take more medicine because I feel drugged already and want a break from that. What if I don't want to try to live then I have to find the path to die. Since I don't feel like my body is imminently ready to shut down that path is hard too. I think it is easier to die though. I sure would eat a lot of crappy food. Pumpkin cheesecake for one. The cheesy biscuits at Red Lobster which I didn't even know existed until I was not supposed to be eating things like that when we stopped there on our drive home. Maybe I would even get a Big Mac.... maybe I would fly to California to eat it with Jeffrey. I am sure that novelty would ware off quickly.... what then.... then I would load up on oxycodone...maybe I would even find out if there are better, more fun pain killers out there and get a prescription for them.... afterall I think I could get anything I want.....I would definitely go eat lots of sushi which is out for the time being.... Thats not a very long list of things I would do if I was trying to die. I feel kind of boring... why don't I have more things that I would want to do if I was going to die.... I guess in this fantasy I still feel crappy so going to Ecuador, building a natural building for Melany's acupuncture office, visiting Panya, taking fiddle lessons, etc..... are still out of the question....

I feel ready to know the road. I have been trying to find the directions on mapquest all night but it doesn't seem to know the address.... Living Through Cancer. If I have learned nothing else this year I did learn that I feel so much better when I finally make decisions between things that want to take up the same space. I guess it doesn't really matter what I decide, as long as I decide it and go for it for a while and give myself a break from considering other things. As long as I believe that it will work...

I am so scared that I will have to go through times that seem inevitable for people with cancer of working so hard and feeling so shitty and finding out that things are worse and that they are not going to get better for quite some time or ever. How do I weather that storm? How will I know when to give up? Sometimes I feel confident that I do not need to live any longer because from what everyone tells me I have already made a big enough impact on the world (funny how easy it is to turn positive feedback into something it was probably not intended to be).

Why, even though I know this is a great space to be in, alone in my childhood room, well taken care of, feeling despair and being able to release that emotion, do I feel so resistant to it? I know so much that it is right and I even want more of it but it has passed now yet I feel scared of it. I know that opening myself to these emotions too is the path to healing and maybe healing is not synonymous with living.

1 comment:

  1. Dear T,

    I don't know the answer and I'm probably more useless than mapquest for those directions... but I do know that feeling all those feelings and just accepting that they are there, without resistance, is part of the deal that will ease the way. If it is possible to give yourself the gift of just feeling what is there and not also layering the resistance on top of it, that's my prayer for you right now. Because I'm sure the resistance is as bad if not worse than the feelings and sensations themselves.

    Love you, M