On Monday I saw the doctor. He palpated my liver and couldn't feel the tumors. That is what I thought when I felt it too. He seemed surprised at how much they shrank. Hopefully that is really what is going on. So now it looks like I am going to do the next round of chemo. I feel very anxious but it feels like the right thing to do. I am anxious because I have a low white blood cell count and I am scared of getting sick. If any of you are set up to visit and you even think you might be getting sick, please consider canceling the visit, its not worth it. Me getting sick that is. The low WBC is from the chemo and now I am going to do more. Hold on immune system..... you can pull through.
I worry about the nausea and vomiting that might come from the chemo. I am not sure how much of the last round was due to tumors and how much was due to chemo.
The biggest thing right now because I am not in pain and I am eating and I am not nauseated is that I am super depressed. I think it is understandable.... I left a vibrant life to pursue treatment that I couldn't get there but I loved my life and I was just starting to really appreciate what I had. Now I am back in my childhood room at my parents house getting amazing care but still kind of a mind fuck. I am considering going on drugs. Lots of people think I should. Its like the old me is totally gone. I used to think that living a drug free healthy life style could keep me safe. But now I see it didn't and I have little faith in "healthy" lifestyle. Bring on the drugs. On the other hand I have been learning that I don't always need to do everything the hard way. Maybe succumbing to drugs is easier and that is okay.
I didn't even feel excited when the doctor told us the good news. I think that it is hard when he also says...well the goal is your quality of life anyway.... seems so clear that he still expects me to die.