Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Next Round

On Monday I saw the doctor. He palpated my liver and couldn't feel the tumors. That is what I thought when I felt it too. He seemed surprised at how much they shrank. Hopefully that is really what is going on. So now it looks like I am going to do the next round of chemo. I feel very anxious but it feels like the right thing to do. I am anxious because I have a low white blood cell count and I am scared of getting sick. If any of you are set up to visit and you even think you might be getting sick, please consider canceling the visit, its not worth it. Me getting sick that is. The low WBC is from the chemo and now I am going to do more. Hold on immune system..... you can pull through.

I worry about the nausea and vomiting that might come from the chemo. I am not sure how much of the last round was due to tumors and how much was due to chemo.

The biggest thing right now because I am not in pain and I am eating and I am not nauseated is that I am super depressed. I think it is understandable.... I left a vibrant life to pursue treatment that I couldn't get there but I loved my life and I was just starting to really appreciate what I had. Now I am back in my childhood room at my parents house getting amazing care but still kind of a mind fuck. I am considering going on drugs. Lots of people think I should. Its like the old me is totally gone. I used to think that living a drug free healthy life style could keep me safe. But now I see it didn't and I have little faith in "healthy" lifestyle. Bring on the drugs. On the other hand I have been learning that I don't always need to do everything the hard way. Maybe succumbing to drugs is easier and that is okay.

I didn't even feel excited when the doctor told us the good news. I think that it is hard when he also says...well the goal is your quality of life anyway.... seems so clear that he still expects me to die.


  1. Hey Gurl,

    Do what you gotta do, chiquita. If you wanna take the drugs take them. Give yourself the gift of gentleness, no need to judge yourself for choosing what you think might bring you relief. Take it from me, the queen of self-flagellation! You are struggling with enough as it is right now.

    It may sound weird that I read your blog with some level of envy, but I don't think I would have the kind of support you are getting from your family and friends if I were in your situation. It is really beautiful how they are all there for you. You are so lucky.

    Wishing you relief and radiance,
    Lots of love- ML

  2. Dearest daughter
    It is 4:30 in the morning and I am reading your
    last entry to your blog.
    I understand your feeling but after two
    weeks from hell it is good to see you so
    active, going to visit friends, driving Mom to
    the store and the most important eating normally
    We will take good news for what they are, we are not
    Euphoric yet about the progress but we are extremely happy
    Yes, unfortunately the depression is part of the disease
    but I believe as you feel better your mood will improve.
    I understand about the statement of “quality of life” but
    Let us all look at it from the positive point of view.
    For me the most important word is “life” and this is our goal
    We Mom and I understand that coming back home
    at the age of 31 is not much fun but our goal is to have you
    go back to DR upon recovery. Tamar you are extremely strong
    person both physically and mentally and this will help in the recovery.

    With much love and underrating


  3. Hi Tamar,

    I agree with Miss Lindsey about being gentle with yourself and also envy your level of support...and I am also cheered by the news. I understand it is hard to feel it when you are depressed but objectively speaking, the tumors are going away. If your doctor thinks you are going to die than clearly you have the wrong doctor. He should know how much doctor expectations can influence a patient. Don't let yourself be influenced!

    You know, it is one way to look at things that living in a healthy way did not keep you safe. That is true. But supposing that as a soul, you chose this whole cancer experience before your birth, and also chose to learn a lot about holistic health. Then it is not the case that living holistically did not keep you safe. You would have had cancer regardless but you have additional tools and ways of dealing with it that you would not have had if you had not explored alternative ways of living/healing at Dancing Rabbit.

    That's the woo woo view I know...anyway I love you and I'm thinking about you.


  4. Tamar,
    I heard you were sick from Arjen. He sent me a link to your blog, which I have just now been reading. It is incredibly powerful and very affecting. Thank you for sharing your journey. You are an incredibly strong person. I am thinking of you and sending love and energy your way.
    Laurie Pickard

  5. Tamar, You are in my prayers. It is good news that the tumors are shrinking; that is what the chemo is for after all! You are such a strong and radiant woman... that is what I remember most about you from so long ago -- your strength and confidence. Even though you are much younger than me, I looked up to you for your courage in taking on the roles in life and course that you choose. After all, choosing to be a pioneer in an eco-village in the wilds of the midwest takes a lot of courage and commitment. You did that, and you stuck to it until you needed to leave to seek your best options.

    Drugs... I don't take a lot of drugs, but I take a few. I'm glad. I was soooo resistant to medication several years ago, but it has helped me a lot. Medical marijuana also helps me with my ongoing struggles with nausea (this has been a problem for much of my adult life, esp. in morning upon awakening), insomnia, pain management of rhematoid arthritis and PTSD. I have never said this in a public forum; I say for you, Tamar... much in the same way I said it for Geoph... because he also chose to live a very CLEAN and SOBER life. There is no reason to live the degree of pain you may encounter on this challenging journey you are in. You're invited and encouraged to look at this as a temporary solution to a very difficult situation and give your beautiful Self some relief from pain, anxiety, nausea, appetite problems.

    Also, I am wondering if you are in a support group with other women who have cancer? Surely, there are groups at your hospital? Or in town? It does sound like you have some wonderful, quality support... AND I hear your yearning to connect with other people who are going through what you are coping with. I imagine that would help you A LOT... support groups are so beneficial, yes?

    Love to your heart, Tamar! Stay strong, gorgeous Goddess! I send you healing vibrations and honoring of the Life and Love that you do have in such plenty and abundance... it is still beautiful... you are still beautiful... hair or no hair. It is, after all, what is inside of you that really counts... not the outer form. From what I have seen, you are as beautiful as ALL.

    Thank you for your courage and heart in sharing your journey. I am grateful for the opportunity to face my own death, which awaits each and every one of us... so sad, yet so true. I wish you LIFE and STRENGTH to get through the chemo, so you can go home to DR next year and rest in your beloved community and the arms of your beloved friends and GAIA.

    here is a gift for you:
    Ignore the event sales (I put this together with Nathan)... maybe the little self-love eCourse will help somehow raise your spirits, dear One.