When asked if I was excited for Karen and Jonahs visit I felt so down that I couldn't imagine why I would feel excited. NO, I am not excited. It turned out to be a fine visit. Karen brought some of her amazing vegetable soup which makes my eating scene temporarily easier because she created the vegetable part of the meal.
The real light came when everyone left except Jonah and we got a chance to sit down together and connect for a few hours. It was the first time in months that I felt like I was able to be present for a conversation. It was a true back and forth and I didn't get too tired to continue. I felt like the old me for a few hours. Plus it was truly wonderful to connect with Jonah on that level. It was like magic.
Then yesterday after a long long day loading my body up with poison. Sitting for hours on end letting it drip into me. I feel numb, like I don't even care that it is happening. I don't feel passionately for or against it. I asked the nurses three times in the morning, when should I expect to start feeling shitty from this. All three times she said that it would start later this week. Delayed. SO when I started feeling nauseated and lethargic and heavy before they were even done dripping poison into me I was taken off guard and felt upset. Still I couldn't release the tears that yearned to come. Thankfully I had an acupuncture session set up for right after the treatment. It was pretty amazing. Just a few minutes after the needles were in I relaxed. I got some tears out before the needles were in. Real tears the kind that run down my cheeks. It felt glorious for them to come. Not a whole lot of them but some. Anyway, I went to a place of inspiration, I imagined that I could find a pottery class and take it with my mom. I imagined that I could find a violin teacher. I imagined a way that Nathan, Tereza and Tom could come and live in the Lee house and I could put all of my appointments between Monday and Thursday and go out to Lee Thursday night until Monday morning. I could imagine that they might even like being somewhere where there was central heat and hot water for the winter. It felt like me again for a while. I asked the acupuncturist to leave the needles in for an extra half hour and she did. Afterwards I blew her a kiss and before I left she initiated a hug with me. It felt like the right place to be.