Saturday, December 5, 2009


This level of depression is new to me. I have never experienced this. I feel like an awful human being. People come to visit and I have nothing to say to them. It must be torture for them to be around me. Its torture for me to be around me. Who am I. This me bares little resemblance to any me I have ever known. I am eating out of depression. I am eating all the time. Giving my organs more of a workout than I think they should have. I just started taking medicine. One of the side effects is supposedly increased appetite. When that kicks in it is going to be horrible. I do need to gain weight but my food choices are not being that great. How do people get through this kind of thing. How am I going to get through this?


  1. Tam,
    You do what you need to do, without judgement. People are just so grateful to simply BE with you. You don't need to worry about how you're presenting yourself or how other people may or may not be affected by hanging out with you. It sounds like you're being so hard on yourself. I know it's not easy but try and find the compassion for yourself, the gentle mothering. So what if your food choices are not ideal right now. Just listen to your body and try to love yourself for whatever choices your make.
    We all love you and are here for you. Now is not the time to worry about us.

  2. Oops. Forgot to sign that post. It's from me, Danit. Love you.

  3. what did they give ya?i can't remember all i've tried,but wellbutrain[sp?] has been least side-effcts/most help.part of depression is craving sugar,carbs,nasty visuse[sp?]cycle.hang in there-i know too well what ya mean about wondering why folks even want to hang.sometimes it's really ok to hang in silence.listen to the deep buried vocie that say's some how y'all will get through this.i wish there was more i could tell ya...a lot of this stuff is beyond my powers of speech,but if y'all need an ear or reality check,please give a holler.big love and solidairity,sparky.

  4. Sweet one ... you fear you are grumpy with others with your absence of words ... but to us you are the sweet one always. It's ok if there is a gap between how you feel and how we see you. It provides room for you to grapple, be angry, be numb, be still, shed tears, cry out, cry in, not cry at all if you can't. We are here to help you let be whatever needs to be right now, as you have done so often for others. You say "this is craaazzzzyyyy" and it is! You... the dancing rabbit ... the fiddling fool ... the building beaver ... the searching spirit...the vibrant nature woman. How strange and horrible this must be, this is, and even so we hold this craziness with you as much as we can ... while honoring the solitude of this unasked for journey you are on. In that gap between what you can and can't do, what you can and can't change, what you can and can't feel, in that gap there is space to breathe...and if you can't breathe now the way you would like, I have faith that in your way, perhaps a new way, you will. Love to you Tami, Dana

  5. What beautiful words everyone...I'm so sorry Tamar that you are having such a hard time. Do you remember that Vipassana silent retreat you did? Could you do it again? Right where you are? Depression is such a mysterious place and it seems to me you are doing the best anyone not denying it or running away from it. The only way out of it is through it. In my day it will mysteriously lift and you will realize that unbeknownst to you you have worked something out in your mind/soul/heart and everything will feel different to you. I wish I could beam you to that place and I know I can't do it. But I have faith that you will come through this. Love, Suzanne

  6. Dearest one,

    In reading the comments to your posts I am wondering what else I can add. Their truest expression of love, compassion and caring have touched my heart deeply. Take all of it in, all the love you are offered. You can’t overeat on love, and know that no matter what you feel about yourself right now, you deserve every crumb, and every grand gesture just for existing and coming to join us in this 3D world.

    My experience with depression is life-long. First in myself and then in my children. I am familiar with the back to the wall, no way out, dead end, blackness, the heaviness in the body and spirit where you can see no way of anything being different. I sometimes call it being locked out of the house of God. I contemplated suicide many times, and attempted it once. I am so glad I did not follow through. My son who was visited by paranoid schizophrenia was successful, and the pain that caused all of us who loved him will not go away, and the loss to the world of his talents the least of which was his amazing art. He only now realized how much he is loved.

    He started to believe he was a burden on all of us and especially me. I had come to terms with the fact that I would have to take care of him the rest of his life as the prognosis for this disease is life-long increasing debilitation if they survive at all. I soon realized that this was a blessing and I would be honored to spend my life with this extremely beautiful spirit. It was not a burden for me, I was just grateful to have him with me in any form. He was beloved of all who knew him, and the whole of the cosmos was uplifted by his existence. I was grateful to be allowed to share his pain.

    You are no less to any of us. Just know that you are perfect just the way you are. Perfect. There is no imperfection in the universe, there is only attempts to balance, which is perfection. I believe that even the symptoms we are experiencing which society calls disease are an attempt to balance.

    No one judges you for this. We can only love you. Your journey brings us closer to ourselves in ways you cannot imagine. It has purpose, it has deep profound meaning for all of us. No one needs words or actions from you to feel and know this.

    One thing I found that can bring almost immediate relief is movement. If I can just move a toe, a finger, lift my leg and appreciate it’s beauty. Rub each finger like it was a child I was comforting through a fever. A short walk outside is amazingly healing. I f can just get enough courage to allow my body to do what it knows how to do, let it lead, the rest will always follows.

    I have much more I would like to express to you, but this is more that enough for now. Be at peace you are loved and cherished. Lu

  7. Tamar, I hear you, I feel you, and I understand. It is perfectly natural and HUMAN to be feeling a huge degree of depression AND anger AND all sorts of challenging feelings during this challenging period. Chemo is HARD! ARGH! I feel angry with you at the injustice and cruelty that life can bring, and I've also felt very depressed at times about that! I can hear your bitterness about having lived such a CLEAN life and now to be facing this BS... argh! BRRRAGH! Can you find the love and beauty underneath the crappola? Your spiritual essence... the light in your beautiful heart? You are love and beauty incarnate!

    Here is a beautiful poem from Thich Nhat Hahn called "The Old Mendicant." Take a few moments to allow these lines to sink in; hear them as if they were addressed to you:

    Being rock, being gas, being mist, being Mind,

    Being the mesons traveling among galaxies with the speed of light,

    You have come here, my beloved one ...

    You have manifested yourself as trees, as grass, as butterflies, as single-celled beings, and as chrysanthemums;

    but the eyes with which you looked at me this morning tell me you have never died.

  8. Hi Tamar,

    It sounds like you are going through a really tough period right now but I want to say that in talking about it and in being honest about it, both with yourself and with all of us, you are on a path towards healing- as you are not denying the existence of your very strong feelings nor are you shutting yourself or others out. Thank you for sharing and I hope, that like others said, you will be kind to yourself and not worry os much about others and how your silence or moods may effect or not effect them.

    The other thing that I wanted to say is that I think it's important to remember that the self is very expansive, and that while you previously didn't see yourself doing chemo or engaging in bio-medical interventions or eating sugary cookies0 it's OK and it's still you! The self is extremely expansive and I think it's counter productive to place limits and boundaries "that's not me" around ourselves. Perhaps it best to imagine ourselves as continuums of sometimes contradictory experiences and choices?

    Be kind to yourself!

    Love, Michele

  9. Hi Tamar,
    What are the "right" food choices? Just eat what ever you fancy. Indulge yourself. Eat while the food tastes good....and eat whatever you wish, without worrying if it is on the list of "right" food choices. All foods are worthy of being eaten, if you like them. Love your food. It will do right by you.
    Barb (lynne's barb)
    Don't you just love all of this unsolicited advice?