Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Only in that day

I have gotten good at it when I feel better. I take each day for what it is. Live it to the fullest that I can. Recognizing that it too might change.

When I don't feel well i feel like it will go on forever. That it will be this day and the next and the next. I feel surprised when I feel better. Tom says "better is better." Sure it is.... but worse is worse.

I and others get excited when I feel better. A glimmer of hope. It is hard for me though when I share that I am feeling better for a day and then I start to feel worse and I get messages about how people think I am feeling better still.... NO I FELT BETTER THAT DAY..... everything can and is changing very quickly..... it feels better sometimes all of a sudden and then it feels worse all of a sudden. It sucks.... and I hurt.... and now Nathan keeps finding things that make me hesitate with the chemo that I am being offered.

Why aren't the doctors telling me things like "this chemo is made with something that could give you a deadly allergic reaction which is why we are starting you on steroids the night before." Hello, isn't that important? Or the part where they are decided to treat my cancer based on one part of it but not the other...okay well that first one they tried on that idea didn't work... and now the second.... why is the third still being based on that idea?

Sometimes I wish I was just naive and would follow whatever the experts think... only I have someone advocating for me and Nathan is researching everything that I consider putting into my body....thankfully because I have very little energy for it. And then how do I decide.... with the idea that maybe I will get some relief..... I cant do this much longer.... I hurt.... i need more days of feeling good..... one day of feeling good seems to cost me two weeks of feeling shitty.

I have no reserves left...... I hurt. I need a break.

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