Sunday, August 1, 2010

I Don't Want to Ride the Roller Toaster

So first thing is that yes even though it is 2 am I purposely wrote roller toaster..... this comes from my moms super cute speech pathology client who was trying to say roller coaster but instead said roller toaster..... my mom worked with him for a while on it.... whats a roller toaster she would say... he just wanted to get on with his sentence... but now roller toaster is in my mind and I find it fun to say..... its not at all pertinent to this post

Once I was on a roller coaster.... I don't really like roller coasters.... because there was not much line, when the ride finished people wanted to go again.... the operator of the ride said "I have to hear how much you want to go again".... so everyone except me was screaming.... alas.... they did a good job because we got to go again..... I really really wanted to get off but it was too late... we were going. Thankfully I knew it would end in probably a minute....

I am on a roller coaster. This time I didn't even put myself on it. Somehow I got on it though. This ride operator turned it on and walked away...... Hey...... I am ready to get off.... I was ready months ago..... even almost a year ago..... I would really like for the ride to stop and I can walk away from it.

That is to say I have not been feeling well again for the last 4ish days..... I can feel the tumors which had not gotten much smaller...gaining ground again.... I am awake at 2am and my abdomen hurts... and I have fear that the chemo is not going to work anymore.... and then what.....

okay Tamar.... one day at a time... one hour at a time.... one minute at a time.... one second at a time..... crazy shit has proven itself to happen..... May I please, step off the ride now?

1 comment:

  1. Hi Tamar, I'm so sorry to hear it but as you say, crazy shit has happened before and I am not giving up hope that the momemtum will shift again. I am on my way to Fargo this'd better hang in there till I get back and for the next round of chemo. Just kidding love. Healing can mean death too--death isn't a failure just a new stage of the adventure, one without our current limitations in my opinion. Of course you want off this ride, it sucks and it is really scary...But each time you do chemo you do get some results. I hope those tumors start shrinking and today. Try to imagine that that is what is happening, and that the pain is especially bad as the tumors shrink. I'll be imagining it too. Maybe energy will follow thought.

    Love, Suzanne