Sunday, August 29, 2010

Following Heart...where are you taking me?

I have been wanting to write for the past few days. I couldn't find it in me to sit or to get my thoughts out...mostly it was just wailing, sadness, fear..... too painful to sit up, too painful to lie down... still not like the pain from the first time around, or maybe i deal more effectively with pain now. But only slightly. I am able to do this, write, right now from the street medicine that is left over from the first time around. For the first time trying it I think it is helping and finally I am feeling it in my head. I want so much to have the ability to find another world where I can get my mind to.

Here goes..... stream of consciousness only not super clear....

I really appreciate my doctor. This past visit I was trying to decide whether to do a new chemo regimen.... thus in my mind officially starting the chemo surfing that I really though I never wanted to take place in. The odds start getting worse and worse. 30% chance that this will help me get 1 year. But really it is shorter than that because some of that time is feeling shitty while taking the chemo and then when it stops working. So that leave me with maybe something similar to the last triumph which i realize only really lasted 3 months. April is when i started feeling discomfort again. It seemed like a long time but now i realize that it was only three months.... nice that it felt longer than that.
Anyway, my doctor really listened to me.... to more than just my words. He listened to my body language, my words, and his heart. My doctor suggested to me when i couldn't make a decision that it didn't seem like it is what I want. I knew he was right because i felt a rush of relief when he said that. I can always decide to do it whenever..... he still reminds me he is available for whatever I want.... which isn't totally true because i do not think he would help assist suicide if I wanted help. But within his legal powers he is willing.

The nurse also reminded me that following my heart is what I need to do..... noone is forcing me to do the chemo. She cried with me.

The thing about this whole conversation is that I was still having less pain because of the huge doses of steroids i took in preparation for the chemo. It is easier to feel confident when I feel a little bit of something closer to physical comfort.

It is much scarier now. How do I get though this.

I told Nathan when we were coming home, out of nowhere, I need some ceremony/ritual, it might be time for Tereza to come. The very next day one of my healers came to visit. She came prepared with ceremony. There is still magic even when I feel like shit.

I want to be able to do what we tell the laboring woman to do.... dive beneath it, let it just let the pain roll over you like an ocean wave. Hmmm... there is nothing wave about this unless the waves are so big I cannot see the end. I hear there is a place people go when the pain gets too overwhelming. Why cant i find the map to that place. Is it from the drugs i am trying to take to kill the pain. .... do i have to let it get so bad that the map is clear?

maybe the next step is to try to drain the tumors... i think they really have no idea if that will work... what if the centers of the two biggest tumors actually aren't liquid yet.... what if they are still alive.... what if they miss.... what if.... maybe it will help.... maybe it will cause some kind of internal infection and have really bad possibilities....

hmmm... i am sick of typing now.


  1. There's nothing to say, really, is there? Just love. And I wish I could be there to cry with you, too.

  2. Tamar, you are always in my thoughts. My deepest empathy is with you.