So for many months now I have been contemplating the public nature of this blog and how it affects my writing. When I first started the blog it was intended to both keep everyone who wants to be updated up to date but it also served as my journal. I felt deeply committed to writing freely without censoring myself for fear of hurting someones feelings of worrying what people would think of me. I got a lot of positive feedback on my writing and I think that the uncensored nature of it was part of what people liked. I think that part of the reason that I was so able to write that way is that I thought I was going to die. Why not share it all when it wont matter soon enough? It is not entirely the reason I could do it though. In general I do not feel that I have anything to hide. I love it when people read to me from their journals and I feel open about mine....so open in fact that this blog was my only journal about this journey until recently.
I have found myself becoming more self conscious about what I am writing. I recognize that there are things that involved other people and it is not for me to choose if I should out them. Or I neglect to write about someone who has been important in my journey and they feel bad or left out. Or I feel confused and find myself scared that if I write the full story about what is going on it becomes harder to change my mind as I get more clarity. Or recently I have felt like there are some things that feel more sacred and personal to me and I want to keep them to myself.
I feel stuck because I really value the uncensored writing that I was doing at first. It feels more true to me and who I am. It helps me accept myself even when I have judgements about my thoughts or behaviors. I feel scared of the repercussions of my writings because I do not think that I have the energy to work through misunderstandings or hurt feelings that might come of it.
Okay so here is an example of something that has been coming up for me that I have been avoiding writing in this venue. I have a lot of judgment on myself for feeling the way I am about to describe......
I have been feeling sad and disconnected from Dancing Rabbit, Sandhill, and Red Earth. When I got news of my livers newest antics, I wrote an email letting the communities know that I had some new challenging news. I got a few strongly supportive responses right away with a few more trickling over the next week. I feel very thankful for that. When I first got sick and for a long time I felt held by some individuals but also I felt very strongly held by the communities as a whole. I got constant reminders that people were thinking of me and sending me energy and missing me etc. This was super super helpful to my process. This time there was just not much response. I know that it is the busy season and that gardens, buildings, plans for the future, visitors, work exchangers, etc are full swing and that I have been gone for a long time now. I wish that I felt that same kind of strong supportive energy still coming from the place I call home. I wonder, is the news too shocking and painful to let in? are people really too busy to send a quick email? do people think my telepathy has gotten strong enough that I just know? is it obvious? do I seem calm enough and strong enough to go it without the support? do people feel upset because I never wrote the blog post that I meant to write about how helpful it was to have constant reminders that people are thinking of me and sending energy? do people feel helpless? have I been gone long enough that I am just not in peoples consciousness? have they moved on to the point that I don't have a place there?
I know that I am cared for and that I do still have a place at Dancing Rabbit. My strength in this knowing falters sometimes. I feel angry with myself that I wish I was getting something that I am not and not just being happy with what I am getting. I feel weak that I am not able to just know without reassurance that I matter. I feel scared about what this blog post might bring up for people. I wish I could just ask for what I want without making up so many potential stories.
Then there are things that I feel hesitant to write about because I feel shy. For example, I feel shy to tell you about the magical meetup with someone from my past. Maybe I feel shy because our first go at connection ended in me thinking that I was a poor judge of character and I really want to be an accurate judge of character.... okay not really I wish that I didn't judge character.... maybe it would be more accurate to say that I wish that I spent my energy in relationships that feed me and continue to feed me. Point is, when I was still in Northampton I went with Ashley (another sort of magical reconnection during my short time in Northampton) to see a strawbale house that was going up. Turns out that one of the balers was Daniel, someone I had met online in 2008. I had pretty much tried unsuccessfully to write him out of my consciousness because I felt hurt and frustrated when I had extended a trip to MA for passover to go visit him in VT. At the last minute he decided that he couldn't do it and didn't really have much explanation. This is one of my least favorite behaviors. It turned out that extended the trip was a great thing though because then I was in MA when Yochanan died and I could attend the funeral without having to turn around right after getting home to come back for it. Anyway..... after a brief moment of freaking out, heart pounding, what would I say to this person... I climbed the ladder and said hello. My fears almost instantly dissipated as we fell easily into conversation. We had the chance to spend a little time together before I left and I have been really enjoying our connection.
Why should I feel shy to write about this....? I don't know, it doesn't make that much sense given that I really really love connecting with people. I think it might be one of the most important things to me. Why shouldn't I celebrate when I have an easy connection with someone?
Another thing that I noticed over time in writing this blog is that at first I wrote in journal style.... I was really writing for me, to me. Now I am so conscious of my audience that I am writing to you. I even say, you?
I have come to accept that the blogging process is an evolution too..... just like the evolution of the cells in my liver.