Saturday, May 29, 2010

The magic

The magic is still happening, around me, including me. It is present a lot and I feel it a lot. That however doesn't make my acceptance of this path completely smooth. Last week was a hard week. I felt like my health was definitely one notch in the direction away from health and after about three or for days of this my mood could not stay positive. I felt doubt, despair, fear, and anger creeping in. I felt my imagination closing. Thoughts of fun in the future hid. On top of this my parents felt scared and thought that there was something I could give them to do to help ease their minds some. This was a struggle because one of the things they requested was more updates from me about how I was feeling. I specifically needed to focus less on the microcosm that is inside my body. I needed to analyze what was going on inside less to keep my sanity and spirits up. I needed my parents to focus on their pain and suffering and believe me when I told them that they were doing a lot for me, that I would tell them if there were changes in my health, that the best thing they could do for me was to take care of themselves, to face their fears and suffering. I felt resentful that my dad responded to my blog saying very clearly that he was not going to respect my desire to not have to talk about how I am doing as often. I felt resentful that my mom suggested that my not being as communicative as they would like was the cause of their imaginations going wild with all of the negative possibilities that could be going on. The last thing I needed was to have to take care of me and take care of them. So, once again I learned the lesson of boundary setting.

I have notoriously had trouble setting boundaries with people who I love. I think I may have also had trouble respecting boundaries from people who I loved. Both of these things are things I have been learning over the past few years but setting boundaries has become a really clear necessity in the last 9 months through this crazy-ass out of my control, what the fuck, why me, there must be easier ways to learn, thought it was over but here it is again, blessing of a really hard journey.

So after a few emails back and forth I did it. I set a strong and clear boundary. So far it has led to me feeling more connected with my mom. She seems to really be trying to look inward at her needs and to be reaching out to get support that will nurture her and help her grow. It is amazing how quickly an acceptance of my boundary eases my being enough that I feel more able to give the thing that the boundary was holding in the first place. Boundaries..... such great things much of the time.

I was fearing that I would not feel well for Jakes graduation. Fearing that yet another thing I had planned to do would come and go and my health would get in the way.... to my surprise I started feeling better and better once Sharon and Rachel got back from North Carolina and throughout the whole weekend. I am so happy that I was able to eat somewhat comfortably and to feel up for playing catch with the frisbee and balancing or trying to on Jennifer's slackline. I loved connecting with the family, loved getting more time with my cousins who over the past year or two I have been feeling more and more connection with. Sharon and Rachel and I stopped at Warren Falls on the way home. It was as beautiful as I remembered it even though it was not sunny by the time we got there. It also felt somehow healing to be alive to be in the place where I first started feeling the pain last August.

Lynne visited me at Sharon's house. I really enjoyed connecting with her. Really nice to see her so healthy and to be healthy enough to visit with her.

Been having some great connections with friends in Northampton area again, still.

So the magic is here and around me..... I wish that my liver was healing faster than it seems to be healing.

Two days ago I met a seemingly larger than life really fun man who is a friend of Lea's. We went out t eat with him. He is a great story teller and it worked perfectly for me because I wasn't feeling great or up for talking. Enormous black gay man with a lot of life history and fun interior design skills and a wonderfully soulful musician.

Yesterday I had a transformative guinea pig class with Hilary and Eleanor...I slept on he couch in Hilary's office while they broadcast on the internet. I woke up feeling physically and emotionally renewed. Then we spent about an hour and a half or more talking. I felt wonderfully blessed at the opportunity to spend time with two people who represent very different stages of life than where I am at and to feel a deep sense of shared appreciation and respect for the places in life where we each are at. Very healing for me.

Add to that some Monica magic and it was a great day yesterday.

Today Lea took me to the beach. It was nice. She joined me for some chi gong. I definitely understand why people like to practice chi gong on the beach. For some of the time I left my consciousness of body.

After the beach I didn't feel that well. I fele relaxed about it though because my story is that there was so much healing going on in my liver yesterday that today it is having to heal the holes left by disappearing tumors. As Nathan said to me earlier this year.... I would rather be happy than right. In this case I am going to hold that I feel happy and right.

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