Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Healing is a tricky thing

For the last few days I have not been feeling as well. Lower energy, more pressure in my abdomen, less fun to eat (although my appetite is still big). One of the hardest things about feeling a little worse is that it makes others more concerned.... then I am around that energy also which totally understandable but doesn't feel like where I want to be. Mostly I am able to stay in an observer role. Oh, look at that.... things don't feel as good. It is hard for me to have to explain the details of why it feels worse over and over. I tell my healers, then my parents want to know, then whoever else..... it is hard to just witness it when I feel pressure to be able to describe it..... healing takes time and is not linear. If I microanalyse each change I cannot see the larger picture. I wish it was enough to just say, I feel a little better or i feel a little worse.

I saw Tom today. I felt better afterwards..... before my treatment though he asked me if I want to learn something. I said yes even though I was actually feeling pretty shitty and wasn't sure I did want to learn.... well, I knew I wanted to learn, I just wished that I felt better physically while I was doing it. Turns out that I was able to pull my energy together and feel better.... Tom brought me into the a room where he was working on someone and told me to rub her neck where he showed me..... she was clearly in a lot of pain from it and I was barely touching her. I knew this feeling well. He asked if I could feel it.... I didn't know what I was supposed to be able to feel. He said it was like a bump..... i mostly felt a depression..... i told him that and he tried to show me again... I couldn't really feel anything or rather I didn't know what it would feel like if it was not blocked. His response..... more tai chi. A few things happened for me though.... one is that I realized just how lightly i needed to touch and just how painful it was for the woman. I remember that time well. It takes a lot more now to get that kind of response from me. Another is that it was hard for me to cause her so much pain and see her trying to hold back tears. Another is that I got super super hot, immediately perspiring, and I felt a lot better than I had when I walked in. Another interesting thing is that it turns out that the woman had pancreatic cancer and had found out about Tom via a coworker who passed on my moms information. Basically she was sitting there in Toms office because she heard about my story...... i felt a little awkward because there I was giving hope to this woman and her sister by virtue of being alive and looking good while my body is crying out again for some more healing. It was much easier when I felt completely healed to have people look to me for hope.

I feel somewhat better after the treatment. Some more energy. less focused on the pain.


  1. Dear daughter

    There is never a smooth road, every road
    Is bumpy but once you go up the bump the
    other side of it is much easier to navigate because it is
    downhill. Yes healing takes time and there
    will be many bumps on the way but you never
    hesitated to concur those bumps. Mom and I
    are optimistic that you’ll get there so keep working on it and
    do whatever you need to do.
    You are right, as your loving parents we would like to
    know how you feel and at time you might have to
    repeat yourself but such is life.

    We both love you so much and can’t wait to see you this
    Coming weekend
    Mom and Dad

  2. Hi Tamar,

    Just noticing and witnessing seems like the most healing attitude you could have.

    About your down times concerning others...it's good to know how you feel about this. I am not necessarily concerned when you experience the downs because I feel sure you are going to be ok in the long run. But it is easy to fall into conventional expressions of concern and sympathy because I want you to know I care. But clearly, it's maybe more caring to express my true responses...Anyway so weird to be writing on your blog when you are right here in Dorchester. I never thought that YOU would have as crazy a schedule as me. Hope to see you soon,


    Suzanne (S!)