I am finishing up my second week in Dorchester. I finally feel like I ma embracing this change to some degree. I can feel myself resisting because the idea of spending a summer in the city feels hard for me. I know that at Dancing Rabbit right now I would be able to hear things growing.... I am having trouble tuning in to that sounds here. Finally though I am getting excited about gardening. I think it is fun to explore small scale gardening. It has been a long time since I was working a garden that is small enough to stay on top of things. It is also an amazingly sunny spot so I think things will grow well and there is a lush lawn I can rest on when I need to rest, which is pretty frequently.
My living situation is great. I really enjoy Lea. She has been super sweet to me being present and available but gives me plenty of space. She has included me in things she does like putting bee boxes together, gardening, going to the beach, and going to an art opening. It feels really easy and comfortable.
On the healing front. Damn this is hard work. Its weird that it is hard work because most of the time I am just sitting there or lying down and getting treated. I am doing it every day in one way or another. I am starting to feel tired of the pain that happens during the treatment. It still always feels good afterwards but breathing through the pain is getting harder. I feel myself wanting to cry instead of breathe through it, wanting to tell them to stop. I am just tired of it but I think it is helping me. So far it seems like there is an energetic shift, I no longer feel that my liver is encased in a bullet proof and energy proof shell. I do not think that the tumors have started shrinking yet. I would really like for them to get smaller..... I know that even if they get just a little smaller I will feel better. It is not that I feel too terrible right now. I have limited energy, eating doesn't feel that good but my appetite still outweighs the discomfort, digestion is moving, urine seems to be lightening in color and texture...... I think that things are going well....
Today I started feeling a little bit of despair...nothing compared to where I was in the fall and winter.... about how to know when i am healed, what that means, and how to regain my feeling of freedom to move around and be where i want to be. Once the tumors go, how to I keep it that way?Do I have to live in the city to do it? Will I learn to love city living?