My sister and mom made autumn olive fruit leather. Yum. It is pretty much my idea of the perfect fruit leather. I hope that it retains its super food status when it has been cooked and dried.
I went for a walk today and found concord grapes growing wild where I do not remember any growing as a kid...but I wouldn't have known. My mom and sister went for a walk today and found autumn olives growing all over the place. I love free food on the street. Maybe Milford will be the next Portland. (that's a joke Portland lovers, I hope I didn't insult Portland)
Today I played the violin twice. That's a big change from looking at the case and thinking "no way."
Today a spiritual healer/counselor and her partner who also does that work came to the house to meet with me and my parents. I haven't talked to my dad about it but he was a great sport and it seems like he might have had some openness to it. Even if its not the thing for him I feel thankful that he tried. I think me and my mom got a lot out of our time with them.
Sometimes I wonder if it is disappointing to you when I write in the blog but it is really nothing profound. I try to remember that even though I am getting so much appreciation for writing it that I am really writing it for me and that I don't need to perform. I definitely feel the perfectionist in me trying to creep out and make it a pressure situation in which I need to write for my audience and it better be good. Oh yet another opportunity for growth.
Life is so much easier when I feel good (that term is relative these days).
I hope my mom doesn't get ear cancer for all the time she is spending on the phone finding healers for me and making appointments and talking to friends and family. Ahhh, who am I to think that anything clearly relates to getting cancer?
My dad bought something to give me electric shock therapy. I am going to try it soon. I like to call it the zapper but its not really what it is called. Also it is not really electric shock therapy.
I have been really appreciating my dad. Things are settling in and he is really hearing me when I say I need something. He didn't even seem to get upset when I got pissed at him this morning for knocking on the door. We came easily to an understanding that I need to be able to know I wont get interrupted in sleep or meditation or whatever. Tonight he is taking a break at the Lee House (needs a more compelling and fun name, any suggestions). I think that it is a really good call on his part for the sustainability of this venture. I think when my parents said that they wanted me to live closer to them they didn't quite mean in their house with them. They are seeming to adjust to having a needy child back home way better than I think I ever would.
I think I may be skinny enough to have stopped menstruating. Its only a few days late so I cant tell yet. I asked Safta once what they did about menstruating in the concentration camps. She said she stopped menstruating from malnutrition. I wondered at the time if that will ever happen to me.
I finally read a book. First one since I got sick (I know I could also say first one for years some years but not this one). It is one Ronit suggested and I ate it up called "Death is of Vital Importance On life, death, and life after death." I don't have a fear of dying (I don't know why but I never did, which might be why I used to hate angsty teenage conversations about the meaning of life) and this book really helped me think about death but I think it might be even more profound for someone who is scared of death or a loved one dying. Thanks Ronit.
NOT FUNNY.... okay so i am holding back on making any cancer or death jokes because so far every time I do it is a conversation killer and the person I am talking to looks like they are going to puke. I guess I am the only one who is really ready to joke about it...well maybe except my sister who told me tonight that I should go to the Northampton Center for Special Problems or suggested that her pet sitting friend (who sounds like a person I would really love) could make me part of he per rounds "I take care of Lucy, Bobo, and Tamar." And when I told her that I had just recently stopped thinking that I have a shitty immune system but now I should rethink that she reminded me that my system isn't shitty its just different, special if you will. Maybe I should try out a direct cancer joke and see if she is ready...... mmm... no. I like the lightness though. Maybe I will be well enough soon to see Lucia who I imagine will be a great stand in for Aurelia in light making. For now, Sharon is doing a great job of it.
I feel a little guilty when people help me do things that I really cant do right now but that I always hate doing. Like packing or unpacking or organizing or cleaning up. There is a part of me that thinks...is this really okay because when I lie there feeling shitty about those things it really isn't that different from how I feel when i am doing them. What if this is all a ploy to see if I can get people to do those things for me. And they sure do a better job than I ever do. What if I get so spoiled in this cancer thing that some part of me holds onto the cancer so that I never have to clean my room again. Hopefully I will suddenly appreciate being able to do things like clean my room and will suddenly learn that I like it.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Feeling better
Today was a much better day. Pretty much like I felt at DR. I still can't remember what it feels like to feel totally great but I will take what I got today for now.
I am now convinced that I was basically malnourished. I have been eating chicken for the last two days and again today and the change is drastic.
This does not discount the stress of change but I think this one was mostly physiological.
I am now convinced that I was basically malnourished. I have been eating chicken for the last two days and again today and the change is drastic.
This does not discount the stress of change but I think this one was mostly physiological.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Tired
I have been super exhausted/lethargic for the past few days. I am thinking that I need to make changes in my diet and am starting to do that. Hopefully things will change.
I recognize that I am responding even less to email and offers to visit. Please know that everything anyone has written or said to me has been great. I know it is challenging to know what to say or how to act. Please just trust yourself because everything that is coming in has been great and even if I don't respond I am appreciating it. I hope you will not give up on me because of my lack of response.
For those in MA. I too want to see you. For now I am really not taking visitors... my days have been full with appointments and eating and taking baths and sleeping. I am not up for visits yet but know that I am not ignoring you and that hopefully I will have more energy soon.
As I expected, I would be doing some more turning inward in MA. It feels true.
I had a great massage last night and some super relaxing acupuncture today....both practitioners happened to be left handed... maybe I will choose my care team based on their handedness.
For those who were with me before my departure to come to MA. Yes, I think that if you were to compare my health right now with what you saw it would be considered more severe. Mostly I am staying in the moment and watching what is and trying not to compare.
Thanks everyone for your continued, most amazing support. Every bit has an effect so try not to doubt yourselves.
T
I recognize that I am responding even less to email and offers to visit. Please know that everything anyone has written or said to me has been great. I know it is challenging to know what to say or how to act. Please just trust yourself because everything that is coming in has been great and even if I don't respond I am appreciating it. I hope you will not give up on me because of my lack of response.
For those in MA. I too want to see you. For now I am really not taking visitors... my days have been full with appointments and eating and taking baths and sleeping. I am not up for visits yet but know that I am not ignoring you and that hopefully I will have more energy soon.
As I expected, I would be doing some more turning inward in MA. It feels true.
I had a great massage last night and some super relaxing acupuncture today....both practitioners happened to be left handed... maybe I will choose my care team based on their handedness.
For those who were with me before my departure to come to MA. Yes, I think that if you were to compare my health right now with what you saw it would be considered more severe. Mostly I am staying in the moment and watching what is and trying not to compare.
Thanks everyone for your continued, most amazing support. Every bit has an effect so try not to doubt yourselves.
T
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Who Knew
So the person formerly known as Tamar who shared 3 cars with 50 other people, didn't have a cell phone, and generally stayed away from drugs...is now the cell phone wearing, SUV driving, narcotics enjoying friend of the future.
When I figure out how to use the cell phone maybe I will give you the number.... but then you might want me to answer it so....maybe not.
Tonight I got some body work done by an osteopath. It was nice but not immediately profound. When I got home I decided to take pain medication to take the last edge of pain off and give myself a break for the night. I was talking on the phone with my sister and increasingly talking about how I felt rally good and tingly and that I think that the visit with the osteopath was kicking in. I was smiling and acting much more like myself..... when my sister reminded me that I had taken pain medication and I was simply high. Uh oh...what if I like this stuff too much? Oh how nice it is to feel mostly pain free.
As far as the car goes, well, I haven't actually driven it yet and I have to admit it is nice and will be nice on winter roads but it is hard to go from sharing a car with so many others and generally not driving much to being in the car a lot in an SUV that is one car to one person. In my experience Milford without a car is pretty much my idea of hell so if an SUV is my choice, I'll take it.
When I figure out how to use the cell phone maybe I will give you the number.... but then you might want me to answer it so....maybe not.
Tonight I got some body work done by an osteopath. It was nice but not immediately profound. When I got home I decided to take pain medication to take the last edge of pain off and give myself a break for the night. I was talking on the phone with my sister and increasingly talking about how I felt rally good and tingly and that I think that the visit with the osteopath was kicking in. I was smiling and acting much more like myself..... when my sister reminded me that I had taken pain medication and I was simply high. Uh oh...what if I like this stuff too much? Oh how nice it is to feel mostly pain free.
As far as the car goes, well, I haven't actually driven it yet and I have to admit it is nice and will be nice on winter roads but it is hard to go from sharing a car with so many others and generally not driving much to being in the car a lot in an SUV that is one car to one person. In my experience Milford without a car is pretty much my idea of hell so if an SUV is my choice, I'll take it.
An email from my dad
This is an early email from my father. This was prior to my asking for things not to be set in battle terms. He has been super respectful of my request. I think this email is super cute.
Hi TamTam
It was good to hear that you are feeling better had a sushi meal without pain. It is good start and we were happy to hear it. Just for the fun of it and stress relief
I am preparing for having the fight of our life to get you back to your own self so we are doing the following:
I got my horse in shape, sharpened my sword, and exercised many hours a day. Mom is daunting her Mogen David outfit (Jewish red cross) . and by the time you get here we will be all ready. Sharon and Rachel will be our foot soldiers and we will win the battle
Just to give you an idea what we look like here are the pictures:
Dad with his battle outfit
Mom with her equipment to assist in case of injury
Sharon in battle outfit
Rachel in battle outfit
And the last but not least our fearless Tamar
So get ready TamTam
An early email to my family
Hey there Family,
I have been thinking about you lots as I know you have been me. I know that you have been getting kept well updated by my mom so here are some thoughts I haven't really shared yet.
I am sure we have all reviewed our year and cannot really understand or make sense of any of it. I guess maybe we needed more practice grieving. Something I have been thinking about is how the current situation with my health might overshadow the fact that I think we are all still grieving about the loss of Sue. Three things about that, 1. I hope that this doesn't cut short the full grieving process that we have only just really begun in relation to Sue and 2. That Jonah and Jake and their main supporters are still receiving any attention and support that they might be needing and 3. Jonah and Jake that you still know that we are all there for you and have energy to support you as you might need even though there is a fair amount of energy being distracted from that (I make an assumption here feel free to correct me if I am wrong).
In general I have been thinking and feeling that this whole thing has been much much harder for those who love me than for me. I have come to realize a number of things. I have been pretty much preparing for this all year and maybe for a few years. Not knowingly of course or I would have warned you all that there was another big one coming your way, but rather in my life choices. I purposely left myself open this year to experience life, to accept adventure as it came, to find out who I am and what I need to feel good and whole. Starting out my year with helping at a traumatic birth followed two days later by the loss of Sue helped me know that the freedom in my schedule was exactly as it needed to be. My heart was torn open and out came joy and gratitude (along with the suffering and sadness and grief). I spent time this year exploring things that I had decided were things that I couldn't do well for one reason or another like writing, singing, being an artist, playing the violin without self judgment, enjoying alone time, etc. Just before I got the diagnosis I was thinking about how happy I am that I made my year what it is and how much I have learned..... acceptance, mindfulness, self-love, a lightening of spirit, openness, listening to my heart more, etc.... I was noticing how loved and supported I feel in my community, how much love I have for our family, enjoying my garden and all that surrounds me.
At this point I feel prepared to receive this adventure too. For me right now I mostly am connected with the only path that seems available to me which is that of an exciting journey on the edge of life that brings about a feeling like when I bite into a homegrown asian pear.....sweet and super juicy, a little bit of sour overtones, sometimes some gristle but overall I am always amazed when I bite into them at how one fruit can hold so much sensation. Each bite is as exciting as the bite before (this is always how I feel not just now that I have cancer). This year was the first year that my asian pear tree bared fruit (they are not as good as the ones I am describing that come from a skyhouse tree but still pretty good). I am not delusional, I recognize that there is another possibility on this path and that is death. The thing is I realize that death if it comes is not so much about me as it is about you, the people who love me and who will feel the pain. I recognize that there could be some level of pain for me before death and yes that is scary but having never experienced death or severe physical pain I have nothing to go on it is a kind of empty thought process. It provides a lesson in recognizing how fear plays into pain. I am working on noticing when my pain is just fear and dealing with the fear so that the pain just becomes another sensation. At this point none of the pain has been that bad in itself, it is more the fear of "what if it doesn't subside ever before it gets worse." The point is thinking about death is just way less juicy than thinking about life and healing and the human body and the experiment which is me and my mind and my body. When I was a kid I had a conventional pediatrician who helped me heal a wart on my hand using only my mind. I thank him for this because at a young age I learned about the power of the mind and have been using it and honing it ever since. In the last few years it has become lazy and I am spending a lot of time these days relearning it, finding out what it looks like as an adult.
In general I do not see this as a battle or a fight, those words feel aggressive to me and do not help me feel loving towards my body...even towards the cancer which is actually made up of my body also. I am looking for words which connect to the seriousness of the situation without invoking aggression to describe this healing journey. So far that is the only request I have...please when you are talking about it try to stay away from words that invoke aggression. By all means if you are feeling aggression in relation to all this please let it out, go out and kick something or break something or whatever works for you, but when it comes to my journey please find loving and peaceful words......if you have ideas for words that capture the intensity and also the healing please share with me...
I am feeling so much love coming from yall. I have limited energy to keep in direct contact (you wouldn't believe how much email I am getting, three days to stardom....want my autograph) because I am in general prioritizing Sharon and my parents right now. It has been hard for all of us to not have seen each other yet. It probably good that they didn't see my in my full yellow glory because it was kind of scary. It will be better now that I have dropped my fake Mediterranean glow.... back to European skin tones. I imagine that once my immediate family is together it will free up some time for more personal contact.
Hey Jake. I am still holding on to your birthday present awaiting an address to send it to..... Whats your address.
I love you all
T
I have been thinking about you lots as I know you have been me. I know that you have been getting kept well updated by my mom so here are some thoughts I haven't really shared yet.
I am sure we have all reviewed our year and cannot really understand or make sense of any of it. I guess maybe we needed more practice grieving. Something I have been thinking about is how the current situation with my health might overshadow the fact that I think we are all still grieving about the loss of Sue. Three things about that, 1. I hope that this doesn't cut short the full grieving process that we have only just really begun in relation to Sue and 2. That Jonah and Jake and their main supporters are still receiving any attention and support that they might be needing and 3. Jonah and Jake that you still know that we are all there for you and have energy to support you as you might need even though there is a fair amount of energy being distracted from that (I make an assumption here feel free to correct me if I am wrong).
In general I have been thinking and feeling that this whole thing has been much much harder for those who love me than for me. I have come to realize a number of things. I have been pretty much preparing for this all year and maybe for a few years. Not knowingly of course or I would have warned you all that there was another big one coming your way, but rather in my life choices. I purposely left myself open this year to experience life, to accept adventure as it came, to find out who I am and what I need to feel good and whole. Starting out my year with helping at a traumatic birth followed two days later by the loss of Sue helped me know that the freedom in my schedule was exactly as it needed to be. My heart was torn open and out came joy and gratitude (along with the suffering and sadness and grief). I spent time this year exploring things that I had decided were things that I couldn't do well for one reason or another like writing, singing, being an artist, playing the violin without self judgment, enjoying alone time, etc. Just before I got the diagnosis I was thinking about how happy I am that I made my year what it is and how much I have learned..... acceptance, mindfulness, self-love, a lightening of spirit, openness, listening to my heart more, etc.... I was noticing how loved and supported I feel in my community, how much love I have for our family, enjoying my garden and all that surrounds me.
At this point I feel prepared to receive this adventure too. For me right now I mostly am connected with the only path that seems available to me which is that of an exciting journey on the edge of life that brings about a feeling like when I bite into a homegrown asian pear.....sweet and super juicy, a little bit of sour overtones, sometimes some gristle but overall I am always amazed when I bite into them at how one fruit can hold so much sensation. Each bite is as exciting as the bite before (this is always how I feel not just now that I have cancer). This year was the first year that my asian pear tree bared fruit (they are not as good as the ones I am describing that come from a skyhouse tree but still pretty good). I am not delusional, I recognize that there is another possibility on this path and that is death. The thing is I realize that death if it comes is not so much about me as it is about you, the people who love me and who will feel the pain. I recognize that there could be some level of pain for me before death and yes that is scary but having never experienced death or severe physical pain I have nothing to go on it is a kind of empty thought process. It provides a lesson in recognizing how fear plays into pain. I am working on noticing when my pain is just fear and dealing with the fear so that the pain just becomes another sensation. At this point none of the pain has been that bad in itself, it is more the fear of "what if it doesn't subside ever before it gets worse." The point is thinking about death is just way less juicy than thinking about life and healing and the human body and the experiment which is me and my mind and my body. When I was a kid I had a conventional pediatrician who helped me heal a wart on my hand using only my mind. I thank him for this because at a young age I learned about the power of the mind and have been using it and honing it ever since. In the last few years it has become lazy and I am spending a lot of time these days relearning it, finding out what it looks like as an adult.
In general I do not see this as a battle or a fight, those words feel aggressive to me and do not help me feel loving towards my body...even towards the cancer which is actually made up of my body also. I am looking for words which connect to the seriousness of the situation without invoking aggression to describe this healing journey. So far that is the only request I have...please when you are talking about it try to stay away from words that invoke aggression. By all means if you are feeling aggression in relation to all this please let it out, go out and kick something or break something or whatever works for you, but when it comes to my journey please find loving and peaceful words......if you have ideas for words that capture the intensity and also the healing please share with me...
I am feeling so much love coming from yall. I have limited energy to keep in direct contact (you wouldn't believe how much email I am getting, three days to stardom....want my autograph) because I am in general prioritizing Sharon and my parents right now. It has been hard for all of us to not have seen each other yet. It probably good that they didn't see my in my full yellow glory because it was kind of scary. It will be better now that I have dropped my fake Mediterranean glow.... back to European skin tones. I imagine that once my immediate family is together it will free up some time for more personal contact.
Hey Jake. I am still holding on to your birthday present awaiting an address to send it to..... Whats your address.
I love you all
T
Catching this blog up to the beginningish
I am going to attempt to catch this blog up since it didn't start at the beginning. If anyone knows how to backdate entries so that they appear in their proper sequence please let me know.
Sketches: experiments with anger, fear, and rage
The following are what came out on first pass with trying to release anger fear and rage that was getting stuck inside of me. The combination of this exercise and the information that my parents are willing to get help dealing with the intense emotions that are existing for them and settling in in MA with their amazing support, love, and care has led to more ease in my life.
Please keep in mind that all of this is from a place of my rage not from a balanced calm empathetic place.....
"Hello liver are you still home?"
You seem to have lost your supple form.
A tight little ball with a laced leather cover
The storm has passed, its safe out here
If you would just loosen you laces
So I can hold you and rock you and celebrate you
Okay, I hear you and I fear
you are correct, its not really safe
I will send my love then to you in your leather covered ball
Hold on then my love until we find our way
I am trying to listen to what you have to say
but the reception is fuzzy
i cant hear so well today
I cradle my liver
Your eyes wide
Pupils Dilated
Glazed
Crazed
The three people
In this world who
Love you the most
Are speaking to
you but you
Cant hear them
This is familiar
territory
Only this time
Our fear is not
disabling
we revolt
You submit and
Get into the back
Seat
But the damage is
done, again.
I cradle my liver
I have compassion for you
Scared, Hurt, Shameful, Mortal
I love you
But
I have become a mother
Fiercely protecting my
wounded organs because
no longer does their
tough skin cut it
I have become a healer
opening the door for
the knotted clenched
organs to find their
supple nature
You told me we would
do anything
whatever it takes
I am the healer
You will just follow
So why, when I say
I want to drive the
car away from my
home to start my
journey, to feel
empowered to take
myself away, to
feel some amount of
control amidst the
crazy new events in
my life
does it become about you
again
why after 31 years
am i sitting in this
car again, clenching
my whole body
"protecting my liver"
while you sit next to
me, in a rage, blaming
everyone else, unwilling
to respond to my
advances to try to
hear you, understand you
help you express you
emotions and get support
from the very people
who
love you the most
Why do you tell me
that you hate being
watched and then
you watch us like
a hawk
Do you think it is
safer to have a
driver who is
fearing when the
next bark will come
who is scared to
"mess up" because
only you can make
mistakes
Why when the favor
is returned like you
asked for can you
not take it
why after 31 years
of this did I let
it happen again
when I am
the fierce
mother healer
trying to convince
my liver that
the world is safe
its time to unfurl
your knotted tendrils
to open and stretch
to make space for
healing
you will do whatever
it takes to help
me heal
you say
but the
one thing I want
from you is
something you are
too scared to do?
I have not given
you permission
to yell at me
or the other
people who
love you
8 years of crafting
my fine tools to
help me remember
that I cannot
change you, I can
only change me...
finding compassion....
empathy...
And I still cannot
experience the
wrath of your pain
and shame without
hurting myself
You said you understood
You said you would
Find a different way
I feel angry, hurt
Frustrated, disappointed,
Ashamed, and embarrassed
Because now, in the
presence of my
mortality I believed
you. I put myself
in harms way, again.
I strayed from my
healing path. I lost
sight of that which
is most important to
me
Right Now
Maybe this is part
of the Healing Path
Maybe putting myself
In the Same childhood
Situations but having
Different reactions
Is Healing
Maybe it hurts and
I don't want the healing
to Hurt
Do you think that
tiny apology will do
when it comes with
no clear message that
you understand what you
are apologizing for and
when it happens again
today?
There are so many things
I value about
you
Father
But the way
you express your
pain, frustration,
anger, shame, fear
and whatever,
I can only guess
is NOT one of them
What I want from you is....
self awareness about your emotions
I want you to ask me if I
am available to witness your yelling and frustration
and I want "no" to be an acceptable answer
I want you to ask for what you need and
explain what is going on for you
I want you to listen when three people are
telling you that you are out of control and
not making sense and consider
asking for help
I want you to refrain from most of your
comments about other peoples driving
so that when there is real danger
the driver will listen to you
I want you to find a way to express
the full range of your emotions
and be supported in doing so
I want you to see that you cannot protect
me from life
but you can protect me from
you.
I am like rubber
whatever you say
bounces off me and....
dissipates into the
universe.
If only this
felt true....
My organs
have become
the most
sensitive instrument
of emotional
pressure
This part of the journey hurts
I hope I can get through it
Before you love me to death
I don't think
that oxycodon
can ease
this kind
of pain
Arthur, why
do you let this
go on for so
long
Isn't 25 years
enough?
Arthur you
are not serving
her needs
she is scared
to leave you
because you
are known
Doesn't that
tell you something?
Arthur, I
expect more
from you.
Let her go
You have done
all you can
and you are
no longer able
to help
what is in it
for you
she is still
suffering and
you are helping
that cycle
continue
Arthur, she
can't even
imagine that
there is anything
else out there.
You know there is
Help her find it
Arthur, she
is paralyzed
by fear
Can you see it?
25 fucking years
Arthur
What the fuck?
Please keep in mind that all of this is from a place of my rage not from a balanced calm empathetic place.....
"Hello liver are you still home?"
You seem to have lost your supple form.
A tight little ball with a laced leather cover
The storm has passed, its safe out here
If you would just loosen you laces
So I can hold you and rock you and celebrate you
Okay, I hear you and I fear
you are correct, its not really safe
I will send my love then to you in your leather covered ball
Hold on then my love until we find our way
I am trying to listen to what you have to say
but the reception is fuzzy
i cant hear so well today
I cradle my liver
Your eyes wide
Pupils Dilated
Glazed
Crazed
The three people
In this world who
Love you the most
Are speaking to
you but you
Cant hear them
This is familiar
territory
Only this time
Our fear is not
disabling
we revolt
You submit and
Get into the back
Seat
But the damage is
done, again.
I cradle my liver
I have compassion for you
Scared, Hurt, Shameful, Mortal
I love you
But
I have become a mother
Fiercely protecting my
wounded organs because
no longer does their
tough skin cut it
I have become a healer
opening the door for
the knotted clenched
organs to find their
supple nature
You told me we would
do anything
whatever it takes
I am the healer
You will just follow
So why, when I say
I want to drive the
car away from my
home to start my
journey, to feel
empowered to take
myself away, to
feel some amount of
control amidst the
crazy new events in
my life
does it become about you
again
why after 31 years
am i sitting in this
car again, clenching
my whole body
"protecting my liver"
while you sit next to
me, in a rage, blaming
everyone else, unwilling
to respond to my
advances to try to
hear you, understand you
help you express you
emotions and get support
from the very people
who
love you the most
Why do you tell me
that you hate being
watched and then
you watch us like
a hawk
Do you think it is
safer to have a
driver who is
fearing when the
next bark will come
who is scared to
"mess up" because
only you can make
mistakes
Why when the favor
is returned like you
asked for can you
not take it
why after 31 years
of this did I let
it happen again
when I am
the fierce
mother healer
trying to convince
my liver that
the world is safe
its time to unfurl
your knotted tendrils
to open and stretch
to make space for
healing
you will do whatever
it takes to help
me heal
you say
but the
one thing I want
from you is
something you are
too scared to do?
I have not given
you permission
to yell at me
or the other
people who
love you
8 years of crafting
my fine tools to
help me remember
that I cannot
change you, I can
only change me...
finding compassion....
empathy...
And I still cannot
experience the
wrath of your pain
and shame without
hurting myself
You said you understood
You said you would
Find a different way
I feel angry, hurt
Frustrated, disappointed,
Ashamed, and embarrassed
Because now, in the
presence of my
mortality I believed
you. I put myself
in harms way, again.
I strayed from my
healing path. I lost
sight of that which
is most important to
me
Right Now
Maybe this is part
of the Healing Path
Maybe putting myself
In the Same childhood
Situations but having
Different reactions
Is Healing
Maybe it hurts and
I don't want the healing
to Hurt
Do you think that
tiny apology will do
when it comes with
no clear message that
you understand what you
are apologizing for and
when it happens again
today?
There are so many things
I value about
you
Father
But the way
you express your
pain, frustration,
anger, shame, fear
and whatever,
I can only guess
is NOT one of them
What I want from you is....
self awareness about your emotions
I want you to ask me if I
am available to witness your yelling and frustration
and I want "no" to be an acceptable answer
I want you to ask for what you need and
explain what is going on for you
I want you to listen when three people are
telling you that you are out of control and
not making sense and consider
asking for help
I want you to refrain from most of your
comments about other peoples driving
so that when there is real danger
the driver will listen to you
I want you to find a way to express
the full range of your emotions
and be supported in doing so
I want you to see that you cannot protect
me from life
but you can protect me from
you.
I am like rubber
whatever you say
bounces off me and....
dissipates into the
universe.
If only this
felt true....
My organs
have become
the most
sensitive instrument
of emotional
pressure
This part of the journey hurts
I hope I can get through it
Before you love me to death
I don't think
that oxycodon
can ease
this kind
of pain
Arthur, why
do you let this
go on for so
long
Isn't 25 years
enough?
Arthur you
are not serving
her needs
she is scared
to leave you
because you
are known
Doesn't that
tell you something?
Arthur, I
expect more
from you.
Let her go
You have done
all you can
and you are
no longer able
to help
what is in it
for you
she is still
suffering and
you are helping
that cycle
continue
Arthur, she
can't even
imagine that
there is anything
else out there.
You know there is
Help her find it
Arthur, she
is paralyzed
by fear
Can you see it?
25 fucking years
Arthur
What the fuck?
The Trip to MA
So the travel back to MA was challenging. The most challenging part was dynamics with my father. In general in the past 2 years I have been learning to appreciate parts of my father that I had not appreciated before. I started to understand more of where is outbursts of seeming rage and anger were coming from. We have been able to have more conversations about our emotions and we have been having fun doing projects together.
In fact I had been planning to write him a letter about how much I had been appreciating him and our growing understanding of one another. When I got the message on my answering machine from my mom to call her back immediately when Sue died and the phone was ringing which seemed like forever, I felt convinced that she was going to tell me the my dad had a heart attack and died this time. I immediately felt regret that I hadn't written this letter to him before he died. When it did not turn out to be my dad who died I promised myself that I would write that letter. I still haven't.
Anyway, clearly my parents have been under extreme stress. My father seems to pride himself on being a problem solver. On this journey, there are no solutions that are in his control. It has been a huge huge thing for him to realize and become humbled to the ways of nature.
Anyway, back to the car trip, there were a few times when my dad slipped into patterns that I cannot handle. My whole life these patterns have resulted in me internalizing the emotions and holding them in my digestive system. I don't think that now after all the personal growth work that I have been doing that it was that much different. One difference is that my mom, sister, and I all respond differently than we did when I was a kid. Instead of just going to fear and trying to disappear, or responding in ways the exacerbate the problem, my mom learned that there is pretty much nothing she can say that will help the issue and so silence is a better option, my sister can raise the energy to match my father and use some of his tactics back on him, I tried to use my best non-violent communication but also am in the now powerful position of being bale to just say, "No, this has to stop immediately," and can get some piece of that to happen.
The point is, is was super hard. Everyone is aware of how stress and cancer are best friends and this led to a lot of pressure on people who are already in a lot of distress.
The morning after we arrived in MA, my mom told me that she and my father have decided that they really do need to get some help to deal with their emotions. If this is true and they really do find help it will be the answer to my biggest wish throughout this process.
The following post will be an exercise in releasing fury, anger, and pain in a way I have not done much before....writing. I imagine it might be hard for my father to read. Keep in mind that things seem to be going better and have some promise and that I think he is doing his best now. Fury, and anger have notoriously been hard emotions for me to express.
In fact I had been planning to write him a letter about how much I had been appreciating him and our growing understanding of one another. When I got the message on my answering machine from my mom to call her back immediately when Sue died and the phone was ringing which seemed like forever, I felt convinced that she was going to tell me the my dad had a heart attack and died this time. I immediately felt regret that I hadn't written this letter to him before he died. When it did not turn out to be my dad who died I promised myself that I would write that letter. I still haven't.
Anyway, clearly my parents have been under extreme stress. My father seems to pride himself on being a problem solver. On this journey, there are no solutions that are in his control. It has been a huge huge thing for him to realize and become humbled to the ways of nature.
Anyway, back to the car trip, there were a few times when my dad slipped into patterns that I cannot handle. My whole life these patterns have resulted in me internalizing the emotions and holding them in my digestive system. I don't think that now after all the personal growth work that I have been doing that it was that much different. One difference is that my mom, sister, and I all respond differently than we did when I was a kid. Instead of just going to fear and trying to disappear, or responding in ways the exacerbate the problem, my mom learned that there is pretty much nothing she can say that will help the issue and so silence is a better option, my sister can raise the energy to match my father and use some of his tactics back on him, I tried to use my best non-violent communication but also am in the now powerful position of being bale to just say, "No, this has to stop immediately," and can get some piece of that to happen.
The point is, is was super hard. Everyone is aware of how stress and cancer are best friends and this led to a lot of pressure on people who are already in a lot of distress.
The morning after we arrived in MA, my mom told me that she and my father have decided that they really do need to get some help to deal with their emotions. If this is true and they really do find help it will be the answer to my biggest wish throughout this process.
The following post will be an exercise in releasing fury, anger, and pain in a way I have not done much before....writing. I imagine it might be hard for my father to read. Keep in mind that things seem to be going better and have some promise and that I think he is doing his best now. Fury, and anger have notoriously been hard emotions for me to express.
Perfect 10
Last night was the hardest night yet. The pain was a 10. Now I know what they were looking for when they asked me that. The pain medication took a long time to kick in because as it turns out my stomach was full of food still hours after I ate.
My parents had to witness me moaning and groaning in my efforts to deal with the pain. In addition to add to their feelings of helplessness, when I am in this state I seem to prefer to be alone.
My self diagnosis..... the stent is blocking the pancreas from being able to release its business into the small intestine. It pretty much feels like something is going to explode when this happens. I sure hope that my self diagnosis is wrong.
I had all sorts of plans for what I would do this week.... go to the Ibex tent sale which I have wanted to go to for years, go to Melany's to get some acupuncture, go to Boston to see Cecil's band play...... I am pretty sure none of this will happen.
I am feeling sad and scared. Being able to eat feels like the key to living in this. When eating becomes a dreaded activity I find it hard to stay optimistic.
My parents had to witness me moaning and groaning in my efforts to deal with the pain. In addition to add to their feelings of helplessness, when I am in this state I seem to prefer to be alone.
My self diagnosis..... the stent is blocking the pancreas from being able to release its business into the small intestine. It pretty much feels like something is going to explode when this happens. I sure hope that my self diagnosis is wrong.
I had all sorts of plans for what I would do this week.... go to the Ibex tent sale which I have wanted to go to for years, go to Melany's to get some acupuncture, go to Boston to see Cecil's band play...... I am pretty sure none of this will happen.
I am feeling sad and scared. Being able to eat feels like the key to living in this. When eating becomes a dreaded activity I find it hard to stay optimistic.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)