Sunday, July 11, 2010

Up and Down I want Balanced Up

In the last few days things got very hard. Eating became not a possibility and even I didn't want to eat (which is on the small scale anyway but still I love eating and thinking about being able to eat normally again). My liver hurt. It seemed bigger than it was pre chemo..... felt like any shrinkage I had felt after chemo seemed to become undone and maybe even gotten bigger. I felt like I needed to be doing chemo every other week not every two weeks. I can'tbelieve that I am looking forward to more chemo..... crazy..... It feels like life and close are so close together. When I am in pain and cant get comfortable, cant sleep, cant eat..... my desire to live. I no longer though feel like I know if I am dying or living. I really thought it would be clear when I would know when my path was on dying and when it was on living. Even when I thought.... wow, I cant deal with this and my body is starting to not able to hold its slight gain on the tumors, I still didn't know if this was what it feels like to be dying. I do not want to die at this point. I want to find a way to live with a quality of life that makes me find worthiness to my life. I have found ways finally to accept a quality of life that was before unacceptable. Now I can find some positives even when I am week and cant really do much. I do not however accept pain.

My mom and Nathan suggested Ibuprofen. I finally tried it..... it is pretty much my new savior. It really helps. I was like a new person when I kept it flowing through my body every four hours. I could chat with Nathan, talk with Sharon on the Phone, eat, watch a movie, enjoy the rain outside. This will get me hopefully through today again.... I woke up feeling okay but pretty much as soon as I move it starts getting uncomfortable. I can tell that soon I will take more ibuprofen. Is this chemo going to become more functional... will it learn how to work as what seems to have been helped by the first chemo last year? How much was that chemo and how much tong ren...... at this point I am loosing my faith in Tong Ren..... fast an furious. So for now that leaves me to trust the chemo and really really hope and use my mind to get this one shrinking the big ass tumors.

I can't believe how happy I am that the Ibuprofen seemed to work. I do not want to use oxycodon or morphine it makes me crazy, doesn't really help the pain that much, makes me puke, and get totally constipated...... I feared there was nothing that could help me to something that would help me get back into my threshold of pain tolerance. Thankfully for now.... there is an answer that is not too bad for my body......

I want so much still to have my body back.... where I can get some muscles again, be able to go for walks, better yet bike rides and yoga, better yet play and play and play....


  1. Hi Tamar,

    Thank God for Ibuprofen. I'm glad you have found something that helps. So, it doesn't sound like you made it to the beach this weekend...I hope this week is better.



  2. hi t,

    glad the ibu works. my brother pops it all through ultimate tournaments to deal with the constant pain.

    about living versus dying: i no longer believe in this duality. living is dying and dying is living. how can we say we are doing one and not the other? compost happens. it's a sacred thing to participate in the cycles that surround us everywhere, in everything. you know this already. when we are coming we're also going. always arriving, always departing. maybe this sounds too philosophical, but really: try it on for size. what are you leaving, right now? and what are you entering? watch it change. trying to do one and not the other is a trap. don't get caught!

    huge love always,