Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Life Death Continuum

Yesterday afternoon and today has been a crazy crazy time for me. Yesterday morning and the day before that I was unable to cope at all with the discomfort in my body. Eating became out of the questions again, it was even hard to drink. It felt like my liver was once again taking up even more space than it had been and it has been a long time now that there already is no more room. It felt clear that the chemo was not working and I felt done. Done with life. Done with having anything left in me to go on. I wished that I had a good plan of how to help my body find death faster than it seemed to want to. I could not take it any more, I had no more even ember of an ability to get through it. I felt envious that Meadows dad had found the path to death. I felt frantic that I didn't know how to do it and that I felt too scared to try something.

The results of my blood test actually showed some improvement in liver function and in bilirubin..... I think that it gave me some tiny tiny barely tangible hope that something was working. It was not enough and I still wanted out... out of my body. A shame because there is a lot of my body that works very well. The normal I just toxified my body blood levels were down... red blood, white blood, etc. I accepted a procrit shot. I find it a very wierd and probably in the long run a not very good for the body, chemical that forces the bone marrow to make more red blood cells. Hmmmm.... when does it tap out the bone marrow? Anyway, for some reason I accepted it even though I was thinking..... adding temporary health is not going to bring me to death faster.....

Nathan once again packed up all of our but mostly my stuff and we headed to Monica for our appointments of body and energy work. I am very thankful that my parents gave him a session with Monica for his birthday.... not only was he supporting my physical needs but he was listening to me tell him that I thought I was really done...... One hour of pampering cannot come close to all that is coming outward from within Nathan but a small help towards giving Nathan some support. My session with Monica was pretty amazing. I felt significantly calmer and physically somewhat better from the session. It seemed to improve each hour that passed.

That is the crazy crazy part..... When we got to Lea's I was up for unpacking some of the food (it feels so good be able to do something), then I was up for talking with Nathan, then I was up for chatting with Lea when she got home. I was even able to send some email...... This change physically and mentally was not explainable to me except that maybe the increase in blood, body work, change in location, and potentially the chemo started working... or maybe my body finally realized that I was seriously unable to take any more.... nothing..... that a change had to happen.....

So even though I got very little sleep trying out a long acting sleep medication that didn't cut it last night I got up in the morning almost perky. I was ready to head to the garden..... to walk the block to get there...... to harvest what is now lots of veggies.... to spend time outside...etc...... I feel like a different person. I made the walk with little problem and Nathan and I harvested lots of veggies. I felt okay, barely even tired......

This is more life than I have felt in a very long time. I cant stop.... its like I need to life every moment of this day because who knows if I will finally continue feeling better..... and yet, try not to dwell on the fear of the potential to feel bad again...... its so easy when I feel like this to get ahead of myself too..... what am I going to o later, tomorrow, next week..... the people I can play with... what to do in Greenfield when we live there, traveling, etc....... I got back home and talked and ate and cooked... I had to force myself to take a rest.

There was a fear about letting people know that I feel so much better (long way to go but this is so far from where I was it feels glorious). What if that makes it stop, what if it not going to stay and if people know it will change...... when I felt healthy the first time I decided that I was no longer going to believe in jinxing things by telling people..... by holding back on positive exciting thoughts feelings experiences because I had an idea that it was self righteous to share that..... I learned that I was going to share the positive confidently openly.... that it would not make things change because I was being cocky. I did learn it..... today it a great day..... I can't understand it but things today are going my way...... and putting that out to the world is not going to take it away from me but wow I sure do need it to continue in this direction.


  1. Yes!! I'm so happy to hear it.



  2. We all need it to go in this direction for you Tami, oh yes sirree. THANK YOU THANK YOU NATHAN. Thank you Tami for this wonderful news ... let's shout it to the world! World ... do you hear???? love, Dana

  3. I too am super happy to hear this news- yay!!! And here is hoping that it lasts!!! And thanks for sharing both the highs and the lows with us, the whole narrative. Sending good thoughts!

  4. I am so glad that you put the good out into the world. I believe (although the fear of a ginx can be strong) that the good will find its way back to you. I am grateful for the good times you are finding and I hope and pray that they continue to journey towards you! I love you!

  5. Hey T,

    I don't know what's happening... if you are dying or finding your murky way back to living. I do know that being able to share what is good in a generally hard/bad/hope sucking situation is a gift to the world. When I've been going through something hard that no one can do for me (I'm thinking mostly of childbirth) and I could feel that real sense of isolation that comes from knowing you just have to endure it, it was SO important to be able to just be in whatever it was-- the pain, the feeling that I was in something unstoppable (and I wanted it to STOP) the moments of humor and perspective. I don't think there's a jinx thing here... and I do think it's good for you to be in the full range of yourself. You're in something that most of us will experience at some point, and I feel so honored that you've been willing to let us see inside your process.

    Whatever it feels like, you have an amazing heart. I love you a lot, and hope all our prayers are offering some balm on the hard spots.

    :) M

    PS yes, thank you to Nathan! I imagine you are the ideal companion right now.