Thursday, July 22, 2010

Is That Death or is it... Holy Shit its Sleep

It has been months now since I have slept well. More recently there was sleep each night on the order of maybe 15-30 minutes. Then for a few weeks I have taken Ambien with diminishing success each night (the doctor prescribed me what I think is the highest dose...remember Tamar.... check your doses for some reason they always want to give you high doses of things). Three nights ago I tried a new version of the drug which is extended release. There was pretty much no sleep from it. Hmmmm... So two nights ago I had the feeling not to take anything but melatonoin.... same lack of sleep success. Last night I went to bed really late.... I even felt like I was outlasting Nathan who has been able to stay up until two recently. Last night, no drugs at all. I both didn't feel very tired or sleepy and was still in the, I cant stop talking now that I actually feel up for speaking, now that some big parts of me seem to be showing again. Finally I did go to bed. Thankfully the lack of sleep in general has not come with a racey mind or anxiety, just not sleep. When I got into bed and put my head on the pillow.... there it was I thought.... no sleep......

Except, hours later my body was nearly one with the (very comfortable) bed. Me, the bed, have I turned into a mattress? I couldn't really move, my eyes were not opening, my face was smooshed into the pillow...... Is this what it feels like to be dead? I didn't think that it felt imminent when I got into bed. Its not unpleasant... feels relaxing and soft and floating...careless even.... oh wait..... that feeling.... thats the feeling that I have to urinate... I know that feeling a frequently lately (the chemo makes it so I cant make it through the night and especially when I get the first drug and they also put in a whole bag of fluid to try to flush that toxin out as fast as they can so it doesn't hurt the kidneys, so they give me a drug that makes me have to pee pretty much every 10 minutes for an entire day plus). Oh, wait, when I try I can move.... my eyes can open even though they don't want to...... Holy shit..... thats what it feels like to have a deep, intense, hours long, natural experience with SLEEP. I SLEPT..... that was like something I have experienced for the very first time.... its like experiencing snow for the first time, or fireflies and a place that is abundant with them, or bioluminescence, or smelling elecampaign root fresh from the garden, or watching a butterfly emerge from it chrysalis, or birth, or a Missouri thunderstorm, swimming naked in the pond, biting into a sun gold tomato, hearing the pop from harvesting a garlic scape by pulling on it, knowing that thoughts are connected with no doubt, and on and on......

SLEEP...... wow, I am feeling in so much wonder and awe at that amazing feeling..... not only did I get a good long sleep cycle once last night..... but three times. THREE SLEEPS..... SLEEP......YIPPEE......


  1. Tamar, I am so happy you got some sleep.
    Maybe you can get more tonite.
    Aurilia was at our house last night & got
    to see all the animals. Abby said she loved
    the lambs & horse. Take Care!
    All our love,
    Danette & Abby

  2. Hooray for sleep!!!! May you have more tonight!!!

  3. You can still make me smile. Don't ever stop writing.