Monday, April 26, 2010

The Shit is Hitting The Fan again

Wow, here I am again. Tumors in the liver. Big tumors in the liver. They can see 4 in the 8-12 cm size. FUCK......

I have been waiting all weekend, knowing that the news would be bad. I could tell when I had the ultrasound on Friday that she was measuring tumors.... they didn't look like the original tumors... they pretty much looked huge. Like they were the whole liver....

Looks like my plans might be changing. I am thinking that I need to go live in Boston and be closer to my healers.

I am also once again taking suggestions and ideas.

I imagine that if I move to Boston I will check out Kevins place. It is cheap and located in an okay place and I would be living with someone I know and feel comfortable with. Maybe there will be some kind of housesitting situation that comes up.

Damn, was it too good to be true? Can it work again? What about the part where I have been continuing to get tong ren treatment..... and the tumors grew? What about all the people who have been so moved by my story that they decided to try tong ren..... maybe I shouldn't have stopped drinking the breastmilk.... could the success really have been breast milk?

How long do I have to get them to shrink before they start making me sick?

The doctor thinks I should go back on chemo..... this time I think I will be able to say no with conviction....

The spring here is so beautiful.... so many flowers......


  1. Hi Tamar my dear daughter
    We heard the devastating news with heavy heart. I know how disappointed you are but we all will give it the best and as Martin Luther said, “we shall overcome”
    Another wise word is Yogi Berra that said “ It is not over until it’s over”
    So do not give up, it worked once and it will work again.
    Mom and I are for you whenever you need us.

    Love and more love Dad

  2. Oh Tamar, this is such disappointing and scary news. Are they only in the liver? And are these the same tumors that once shrunk and have now returned? Or new tumors? I am sorry that this may disrupt your plans. I do have to say though that I've never liked chickens. And I hope that this does not make you doubt what you've been doing all along although I am sure it will. Maybe it's the time to embrace all paths? It does not have to be "either/or" does it?
    Lots of love going your way,

  3. Dang Tamar! That is so disappointing! Don't give up though. You did manage to basically be tumor free for a while. Maybe you should pick up all the things you did when you were in the process of reducing the tumors. If that includes the breast milk, so be it. It wouldn't harm you to pick up that habit again.

    My thoughts are with you. Hang in there. I love you, Tamar!


  4. Do you still have breastmilk in the freezer? I would definitely start that up again.
    sending you all my love,

  5. So sorry Tamar. DAmmit! Hang in there. Your spirit is so strong. Meditate when you can, it will clear the path and make the path clear. SEnding you love and holding you in the light, always.

  6. So sad to hear the news. I just arrived in Austin to visit my family, and my mom told me about this post, and I jumped online right away to read it.

    I'll call you soon.

    Sending you my love!


  7. Well this sucks! Can you be an honorary member of your local La Leche League? Wishing you the health you would like and the strength to handle what's lies ahead. You're in my thoughts.

    Love Lindsey

  8. So Sorry Tamar!!!! Betsy and I have followed your journey. You said you are up for ideas or suggestions. Go 100% Raw now! a friend of mine and the 100 things she did to cure her cancer. We are sending love and light to you dear Tamar! Love Sue

  9. all love surrounds you in the green lushness of early spring. you are still alive. seize every second. we are sending you all warm live energy.


  10. Tamar - There are piles and piles of research that say our drugs work best when patients want them to work. Placebo. What does that mean? That means that the power to heal is in you. It's going to be hard. It's going to be scary. Maybe a mix of modern and experimental medicine will be best. You know your body. Listen to what it needs. If you ever need friendly medical advice, shoot me an email. Our thoughts are with you.


  11. Tamar-

    Hard to read this from you - even harder to live it I am sure. Thinking of you as I work in my garden...especially when I plant lettuce!

    I am sending you healing thoughts and energy. I hope you find some comfort in this beautiful season.


  12. Hey dear... I've been slow to come over and read these latest posts. Damn damn and damn, huh? I feel like reminding you that the way you healed the last round was to keep feeling into what is right for you at each step and not worrying if it was western medicine or not, seemed crazy or not, made intellectual sense or not, but that it fit for Tamar was the only thing that mattered. Keep up the amazing exploration and heal, heal, heal. Love you, M