The net CT scan is scheduled for February 1st. I don't know if I want to do it. Okay that might not be totally true. I think I do know. I think that I want to not do the scan because I think that I do not want to do any more chemo. If I do the scan and it shows that the tumors are smaller or the same then great, I have a clear path that feels good... no chemo no scans for a long while at least. If I do the scan and the tumors are bigger then I have to make the decision, knowing that things are growing and so are likely cause a lot of pain again (and likely death at some point), whether I want to do more chemo..... but really I know I don't want to do more chemo. So if I choose not to do more chemo I am then living with the very real fear that the alternative treatments are not working and I loose the power of my mind. If I choose not to do the scan and not to do more chemo than I get to live with hope and trust that things are okay. Not that I wouldn't and don't have fear but the fear that I have without knowing the results of a scan is easier to work through I think. So do I loose the opportunity to have a real boost to my trust in the alternative therapies that I am doing in order to avoid a potentially really hard situation.
I think that I am understanding the word bravery in a way that I have never understood before. Making the choice to trust, to go forward into the unknown when I could peek inside my body to get some answers. Knowing that I do not want to do more chemo therapy and basically saying that even if it was the chemo therapy that made me be able to remember what it is like to feel good, to remember that I do in fact like being alive, that I am not willing to avenge my body like that any more. Basically saying yes, there is a not small chance that I might die this year when maybe I could have prolonged my life.
Following my heart has usually come easy to me. Following my heart has always felt like like the easy way out. It never felt like I needed to be brave to follow my heart. Now I think I need to muster some courage and become brave.