Friday, January 15, 2010

Bravery (written on the 15th posted on the 25th)

The net CT scan is scheduled for February 1st. I don't know if I want to do it. Okay that might not be totally true. I think I do know. I think that I want to not do the scan because I think that I do not want to do any more chemo. If I do the scan and it shows that the tumors are smaller or the same then great, I have a clear path that feels good... no chemo no scans for a long while at least. If I do the scan and the tumors are bigger then I have to make the decision, knowing that things are growing and so are likely cause a lot of pain again (and likely death at some point), whether I want to do more chemo..... but really I know I don't want to do more chemo. So if I choose not to do more chemo I am then living with the very real fear that the alternative treatments are not working and I loose the power of my mind. If I choose not to do the scan and not to do more chemo than I get to live with hope and trust that things are okay. Not that I wouldn't and don't have fear but the fear that I have without knowing the results of a scan is easier to work through I think. So do I loose the opportunity to have a real boost to my trust in the alternative therapies that I am doing in order to avoid a potentially really hard situation.

I think that I am understanding the word bravery in a way that I have never understood before. Making the choice to trust, to go forward into the unknown when I could peek inside my body to get some answers. Knowing that I do not want to do more chemo therapy and basically saying that even if it was the chemo therapy that made me be able to remember what it is like to feel good, to remember that I do in fact like being alive, that I am not willing to avenge my body like that any more. Basically saying yes, there is a not small chance that I might die this year when maybe I could have prolonged my life.

Following my heart has usually come easy to me. Following my heart has always felt like like the easy way out. It never felt like I needed to be brave to follow my heart. Now I think I need to muster some courage and become brave.


  1. Well said Tamar! I have always hoped that I could be so brave not to take chemo, but have really no idea if that will be the case. I am curious to see how it works out for you...

    Great to read these posts. It really feels like you are alive again!

    I love you! Arjen

  2. Hey dear...

    It occurs to me that this process may well not be linear. Say you did the scan and figured out that the tumors were bigger again. DOes that necessarily mean that the power of your mind isn't effective? Or just that things are not always a straight line. I think that the western medicine model has imbedded in it a linear way of approaching things. If you do X and things don't get better or get worse, then you abandon it and call it a failure... But I don't know if it is true.

    I think healing is complicated (and I know you are experiencing that, too, in your own way). It is the physical and spiritual and emotional, all wrapped up in a jumble. If I start feeling better and then relax about some things, how do I know if relaxing any one of them will put me back in the "objective" state of things? And which of the four things I relaxed about was the key one? It seems like it is gestalt more than pieces. And because of this, you may well get "better" then "worse" and who knows which factors cause what or if it is just what the process is doing.

    I hope that isn't discouraging at all... it's meant to say that I don't think you have to give up on your intuition and mind, no matter what that one test might tell you. You have already done what the western folks thought was pretty much impossible by believing in yourself and following your big beautiful heart and intuition. Don't let one test rattle you! And also don't be afraid to get the info that it has, if that would be valuable as data.

    Love you! And yes, I am interested in going up to Fairfield with you to check out this Tong Ren thing... can we go on a non-retreat day?