Healing is a tricky thing

For the last few days I have not been feeling as well. Lower energy, more pressure in my abdomen, less fun to eat (although my appetite is still big). One of the hardest things about feeling a little worse is that it makes others more concerned.... then I am around that energy also which totally understandable but doesn't feel like where I want to be. Mostly I am able to stay in an observer role. Oh, look at that.... things don't feel as good. It is hard for me to have to explain the details of why it feels worse over and over. I tell my healers, then my parents want to know, then whoever else..... it is hard to just witness it when I feel pressure to be able to describe it..... healing takes time and is not linear. If I microanalyse each change I cannot see the larger picture. I wish it was enough to just say, I feel a little better or i feel a little worse.

I saw Tom today. I felt better afterwards..... before my treatment though he asked me if I want to learn something. I said yes even though I was actually feeling pretty shitty and wasn't sure I did want to learn.... well, I knew I wanted to learn, I just wished that I felt better physically while I was doing it. Turns out that I was able to pull my energy together and feel better.... Tom brought me into the a room where he was working on someone and told me to rub her neck where he showed me..... she was clearly in a lot of pain from it and I was barely touching her. I knew this feeling well. He asked if I could feel it.... I didn't know what I was supposed to be able to feel. He said it was like a bump..... i mostly felt a depression..... i told him that and he tried to show me again... I couldn't really feel anything or rather I didn't know what it would feel like if it was not blocked. His response..... more tai chi. A few things happened for me though.... one is that I realized just how lightly i needed to touch and just how painful it was for the woman. I remember that time well. It takes a lot more now to get that kind of response from me. Another is that it was hard for me to cause her so much pain and see her trying to hold back tears. Another is that I got super super hot, immediately perspiring, and I felt a lot better than I had when I walked in. Another interesting thing is that it turns out that the woman had pancreatic cancer and had found out about Tom via a coworker who passed on my moms information. Basically she was sitting there in Toms office because she heard about my story...... i felt a little awkward because there I was giving hope to this woman and her sister by virtue of being alive and looking good while my body is crying out again for some more healing. It was much easier when I felt completely healed to have people look to me for hope.

I feel somewhat better after the treatment. Some more energy. less focused on the pain.