Do I Have To Feel LIke Shit To Feel Like Shit?

The last few days I have not been feeling very well. Its nothing compared to November that for sure. When I try to talk to Tom about it he frequently makes reference to how I dragged myself (sometimes he says I was carried in) into his office last year. Its true.... that was horrible. This is not horrible but I still feel bad. My plan is for it to not get horrible but it feel so on edge. I keep wanting Tom to have more to say. One time he will say vegas nerve right side, one time he will say blocked vessel, one time he will say sometimes it takes a while, one time he will say 6 new pancreatic cancer patients come yesterday. I know he cares and is concerned for my well being but damn.... I want the answer and I want it fixed....now. Why am I awake writing right now when I have a 7am appointment with Tom. Because I stayed in bed until noon today and now I am awake and my abdomen is hard and full and uncomfortable....

The times when I feel comfortable I do not take it for granted.... I do however tend to be so excited for my energy that I blow it all and then kind of crash the next day.

I am still thankful that I can get myself to the garden and water the plants, even though they look horrible in general. I am thankful that I can still get myself places even if it means driving. I am still thankful that I don't feel the way I did in November. I am still thankful to all of the people pouring energy towards me to help me. I am tired of this though.