Sketches: experiments with anger, fear, and rage

The following are what came out on first pass with trying to release anger fear and rage that was getting stuck inside of me. The combination of this exercise and the information that my parents are willing to get help dealing with the intense emotions that are existing for them and settling in in MA with their amazing support, love, and care has led to more ease in my life.

Please keep in mind that all of this is from a place of my rage not from a balanced calm empathetic place.....


"Hello liver are you still home?"
You seem to have lost your supple form.
A tight little ball with a laced leather cover
The storm has passed, its safe out here
If you would just loosen you laces
So I can hold you and rock you and celebrate you

Okay, I hear you and I fear
you are correct, its not really safe
I will send my love then to you in your leather covered ball
Hold on then my love until we find our way

I am trying to listen to what you have to say
but the reception is fuzzy
i cant hear so well today




I cradle my liver

Your eyes wide
Pupils Dilated
Glazed
Crazed

The three people
In this world who
Love you the most

Are speaking to
you but you
Cant hear them

This is familiar
territory
Only this time
Our fear is not
disabling
we revolt

You submit and
Get into the back
Seat

But the damage is
done, again.

I cradle my liver




I have compassion for you
Scared, Hurt, Shameful, Mortal
I love you
But
I have become a mother
Fiercely protecting my
wounded organs because
no longer does their
tough skin cut it
I have become a healer
opening the door for
the knotted clenched
organs to find their
supple nature
You told me we would
do anything
whatever it takes
I am the healer
You will just follow
So why, when I say
I want to drive the
car away from my
home to start my
journey, to feel
empowered to take
myself away, to
feel some amount of
control amidst the
crazy new events in
my life
does it become about you
again

why after 31 years
am i sitting in this
car again, clenching
my whole body
"protecting my liver"
while you sit next to
me, in a rage, blaming
everyone else, unwilling
to respond to my
advances to try to
hear you, understand you
help you express you
emotions and get support
from the very people
who
love you the most

Why do you tell me
that you hate being
watched and then
you watch us like
a hawk
Do you think it is
safer to have a
driver who is
fearing when the
next bark will come
who is scared to
"mess up" because
only you can make
mistakes

Why when the favor
is returned like you
asked for can you
not take it

why after 31 years
of this did I let
it happen again
when I am
the fierce
mother healer



trying to convince
my liver that
the world is safe
its time to unfurl
your knotted tendrils
to open and stretch
to make space for
healing

you will do whatever
it takes to help
me heal
you say
but the
one thing I want
from you is
something you are
too scared to do?




I have not given
you permission
to yell at me
or the other
people who
love you



8 years of crafting
my fine tools to
help me remember
that I cannot
change you, I can
only change me...
finding compassion....
empathy...

And I still cannot
experience the
wrath of your pain
and shame without
hurting myself




You said you understood
You said you would
Find a different way

I feel angry, hurt
Frustrated, disappointed,
Ashamed, and embarrassed
Because now, in the
presence of my
mortality I believed
you. I put myself
in harms way, again.
I strayed from my
healing path. I lost
sight of that which
is most important to
me
Right Now




Maybe this is part
of the Healing Path
Maybe putting myself
In the Same childhood
Situations but having
Different reactions
Is Healing
Maybe it hurts and
I don't want the healing
to Hurt



Do you think that
tiny apology will do
when it comes with
no clear message that
you understand what you
are apologizing for and
when it happens again
today?



There are so many things
I value about
you
Father
But the way
you express your
pain, frustration,
anger, shame, fear
and whatever,
I can only guess
is NOT one of them




What I want from you is....
self awareness about your emotions
I want you to ask me if I
am available to witness your yelling and frustration
and I want "no" to be an acceptable answer
I want you to ask for what you need and
explain what is going on for you
I want you to listen when three people are
telling you that you are out of control and
not making sense and consider
asking for help
I want you to refrain from most of your
comments about other peoples driving
so that when there is real danger
the driver will listen to you
I want you to find a way to express
the full range of your emotions
and be supported in doing so
I want you to see that you cannot protect
me from life
but you can protect me from
you.



I am like rubber
whatever you say
bounces off me and....
dissipates into the
universe.
If only this
felt true....




My organs
have become
the most
sensitive instrument
of emotional
pressure




This part of the journey hurts
I hope I can get through it
Before you love me to death




I don't think
that oxycodon
can ease
this kind
of pain



Arthur, why
do you let this
go on for so
long
Isn't 25 years
enough?


Arthur you
are not serving
her needs
she is scared
to leave you
because you
are known
Doesn't that
tell you something?



Arthur, I
expect more
from you.
Let her go
You have done
all you can
and you are
no longer able
to help
what is in it
for you
she is still
suffering and
you are helping
that cycle
continue



Arthur, she
can't even
imagine that
there is anything
else out there.
You know there is
Help her find it



Arthur, she
is paralyzed
by fear
Can you see it?



25 fucking years
Arthur
What the fuck?