Autumn

My sister and mom made autumn olive fruit leather. Yum. It is pretty much my idea of the perfect fruit leather. I hope that it retains its super food status when it has been cooked and dried.

I went for a walk today and found concord grapes growing wild where I do not remember any growing as a kid...but I wouldn't have known. My mom and sister went for a walk today and found autumn olives growing all over the place. I love free food on the street. Maybe Milford will be the next Portland. (that's a joke Portland lovers, I hope I didn't insult Portland)

Today I played the violin twice. That's a big change from looking at the case and thinking "no way."

Today a spiritual healer/counselor and her partner who also does that work came to the house to meet with me and my parents. I haven't talked to my dad about it but he was a great sport and it seems like he might have had some openness to it. Even if its not the thing for him I feel thankful that he tried. I think me and my mom got a lot out of our time with them.

Sometimes I wonder if it is disappointing to you when I write in the blog but it is really nothing profound. I try to remember that even though I am getting so much appreciation for writing it that I am really writing it for me and that I don't need to perform. I definitely feel the perfectionist in me trying to creep out and make it a pressure situation in which I need to write for my audience and it better be good. Oh yet another opportunity for growth.

Life is so much easier when I feel good (that term is relative these days).

I hope my mom doesn't get ear cancer for all the time she is spending on the phone finding healers for me and making appointments and talking to friends and family. Ahhh, who am I to think that anything clearly relates to getting cancer?

My dad bought something to give me electric shock therapy. I am going to try it soon. I like to call it the zapper but its not really what it is called. Also it is not really electric shock therapy.

I have been really appreciating my dad. Things are settling in and he is really hearing me when I say I need something. He didn't even seem to get upset when I got pissed at him this morning for knocking on the door. We came easily to an understanding that I need to be able to know I wont get interrupted in sleep or meditation or whatever. Tonight he is taking a break at the Lee House (needs a more compelling and fun name, any suggestions). I think that it is a really good call on his part for the sustainability of this venture. I think when my parents said that they wanted me to live closer to them they didn't quite mean in their house with them. They are seeming to adjust to having a needy child back home way better than I think I ever would.

I think I may be skinny enough to have stopped menstruating. Its only a few days late so I cant tell yet. I asked Safta once what they did about menstruating in the concentration camps. She said she stopped menstruating from malnutrition. I wondered at the time if that will ever happen to me.

I finally read a book. First one since I got sick (I know I could also say first one for years some years but not this one). It is one Ronit suggested and I ate it up called "Death is of Vital Importance On life, death, and life after death." I don't have a fear of dying (I don't know why but I never did, which might be why I used to hate angsty teenage conversations about the meaning of life) and this book really helped me think about death but I think it might be even more profound for someone who is scared of death or a loved one dying. Thanks Ronit.

NOT FUNNY.... okay so i am holding back on making any cancer or death jokes because so far every time I do it is a conversation killer and the person I am talking to looks like they are going to puke. I guess I am the only one who is really ready to joke about it...well maybe except my sister who told me tonight that I should go to the Northampton Center for Special Problems or suggested that her pet sitting friend (who sounds like a person I would really love) could make me part of he per rounds "I take care of Lucy, Bobo, and Tamar." And when I told her that I had just recently stopped thinking that I have a shitty immune system but now I should rethink that she reminded me that my system isn't shitty its just different, special if you will. Maybe I should try out a direct cancer joke and see if she is ready...... mmm... no. I like the lightness though. Maybe I will be well enough soon to see Lucia who I imagine will be a great stand in for Aurelia in light making. For now, Sharon is doing a great job of it.

I feel a little guilty when people help me do things that I really cant do right now but that I always hate doing. Like packing or unpacking or organizing or cleaning up. There is a part of me that thinks...is this really okay because when I lie there feeling shitty about those things it really isn't that different from how I feel when i am doing them. What if this is all a ploy to see if I can get people to do those things for me. And they sure do a better job than I ever do. What if I get so spoiled in this cancer thing that some part of me holds onto the cancer so that I never have to clean my room again. Hopefully I will suddenly appreciate being able to do things like clean my room and will suddenly learn that I like it.