Trying to set the world record for the largest alive liver

The doctor believed me when I saw him today..... yes my liver is in fact larger and in worse shape than it was three weeks ago when we started......

why when three weeks ago i thought we should try the chemical that we originally had so much success with I didn't force the issue. I was scared... it is a shitty side effect chemo..... it takes a long time to administer..... i wanted to hope that something different was less scary and maybe i would keep my hair and maybe it would work without so much side effects...... but i knew, I, my whole I, knew that we should try to old one..... maybe the cells that have regrown are the ones that will not die from the chemo... maybe they are super cells.... i could find out that my knowing didn't know either.... at which point they will just offer one different chemical after another until I am dead..... so if it is going to work it ought work fast and soon.....

today the ibuprofen is not really working so well.... i cant fucking take this anymore..... i am so sick of feeling some level of shit. i don't feel like it is time to die but i don't know how to live..... will i know if that time comes.....? would it just happen peacefully? please body, please just make a decision an learn how to heal yourself.... i hear that you know how...... find it..... i don't want this to be an every few months game....figure it out and take charge....heal....health......

ouch..... i hurt.... i am uncomfortable..... i thought this was going to be a quick heal.... its not and i don't know what to do......

just be, right...... this is very boring and uncomfortable......

how do i know what a natural death looks like.... clearly i wasnt ready because i chose again to try chemo.... in fact, it is my last hope and i am putting hopes in it the way i did not before. but a natural death would have come before the very first procedure.... getting the stent put in..... i guess when it comes down to it it i am not going for natural...... so what does it look like when it is not natural...... i think they are ugly and full of morphine..... fuck..... i dont think that is how death shoudl look...... okay life..... figure this shit out.