How Do I Keep Going

There were some days that were better. I slept finally... using drugs but finally it worked. Two nights of 8 hours of sleep. Helps a lot.

How do I get myself through each day. How do I have fun. Dont feel well enough for many options. My mind is not allowing reading. Tried to play the fiddle didnt really work. So hungry but food only works in small bits and it is very easy to eat enough to feel bad. I dont know what my life will look like from minute to minute. My body, hard to tell what it is trying to do. Somepeople seem to think that it is all my own causing of this. That healing comes from my mind.... that my mind has created the cancer.... that it is all my fault. That is a lot of weight to hold.

For a few minutes on most days I can imagine being healthy. Imagine going places and finding fun things to do. Being home in Missouri, fisiting Portland, visiting Colorado or wherever Daniel might be, traveling some with Nathan, etc..... Sometimes I feel how joyful I felt before....only a few minutes..... mostly I cant understand how I can get through anything with a body that is not working how it is supposed to work. How it not working it could end.... yet it feels both close and far from the end. The continuing is not much fun though.

I am sad that I do not feel that I believe in the tong ren thing.... I believed so much before..... I see some people dong well.... I also see others who are not doing better..... why am I in the doing worse category..... why cant I believe..... how do I find healers.... how to I figure out how to get to where my mind, myself, is healing me......

my parents seem to want to answers to be hopefully coming from doctors..... there is a little from there but not much...... today I heard some pressure to just start believing in the doctors and do whatever he says...... they dont have much hope either..... they dont know either.....

how do I feel good enough that I can be ont he move.... i feel like I need to be on the move...... fill myself with womderful times and places and people..... find away to heal myself..... how how..... if this is not going to heal then I wish that it would end sooner rather than later...... why so slow..... how the fuck.... how how how..... in the moments when I can find some hope, some health, some image..... the image is so wonderful..... I wish I could just get into a stupor filled with only images of wonderful fun things......

why? WHY? What the fuck..... so, sad.....

I got the ability to garden a bit yesterday..... it was nice.... to be outside... feeling well enough to do a little..... so little and so much..... such a small existence..... I think if I feel a bit more better, maybe maybe I will find some way to feel hope..... believe..... desire to make it better.