A Lot Brighter

So it turns out that the way I was feeling might have had to do with tapering one of the pain meds too quickly. It said use as needed and I had been having less pain so I tapered what I thought was gradually. Turns out not so much. So yesterday I took it again and it helped with the crawling out of my skin feeling. The problem is that it makes me vomit. So I am trying to taper kind of quickly again because vomiting makes me feel bad too. I hope that I am through the thick of it but now I know what to do if I have that feeling again.

I am in a better head space. Last night for the first time I was able to get myself back to sleep each time I had to wake up to pee by doing visualizations. I felt like I could feel the chi that everyone was sending me. There is a woman in Boston who offered to do free telephone Tong Ren sessions with me because she feels so drawn to me. She did one last night which was really relaxing and felt really great. These people swear that they have seen people over and over and over get better from cancer and other horrible diseases. They swear that it does not need chemo therapy. I think I feel enough better now that I am thinking of not continuing with chemo. I think I got what I needed from it and hopefully now things can go the way I want them too with the Tong Ren theory and the body work.

I got a book in the mail coincidentally I think but it is fiction and will tide me over so don't go sending tons of books now. I am very slow at reading, especially now that baths are less fun because the pain is less and I have to keep a cover over the port site.

I have not been feeling like having visitors at all. I hope that changes soon because there are so many people who want to visit and it would probably be good for me at some point.

The TPM supplemental feeding seems to be helping. Today I felt sooo tired but that was okay. Hopefully the TPM will catch up to my lack of nutrition soon. The water retention is gone now and I am really skinny. For me anyway. For some people that would be normal.

Today I finally got my license renewed. It was weird to say that I was fit to drive when I am totally not but I am not going to drive until I feel up for it. They were willing to use my old photo from before DR. It had short hair. I had them take a new one. It will be my first license photo ever that I don't have a big zit on my chin. It will be weird to have a license photo that always reminds me of having cancer. I guess that will be a pretty huge part of my life once I am better.
It cost 100 dollars just to change the state of my license. I couldn't believe it. More than getting a whole new license. It was hard to try to be normal in public when I felt so exhausted and frail.

The visiting nurses come a lot. I am not so nice to them. I don't have any patience for their asking the same questions over and over. My mom feels embarrassed when I am blunt with them. I am doing my best.