Blech

Today started out as a pretty good day. I felt energetic even though I didn't sleep well. I made a finally decision about when to let my family come to bring me to MA. I took my first 17 pills and then the next 7 with breakfast. Things generally felt good.

I then decided that I was going to cook for myself and in the process for Tom, Tereza, Mary Beth and Dan because it was easy to modify just a portion of the recipe to work for my diet. I realized when I was out harvesting veggies that maybe I wasn't really up for this task I was so excited about. So I found help.

By the time round three of pills was in the works I knew that my body was not liking this regimen. Basically I felt nasty.

I wasn't ready for a day of feeling nasty. It took me by surprise after feeling so great yesterday. When I made the decision to follow a natural route to healing I didn't ever consider that that too might make me feel sick. I am sure it is nothing compared with chemo or radiation but it is already a challenge to keep putting things into my body that don't feel good and it has only been one day.

Some of the realities of my situation are starting to set in and it is going to take some work to find acceptance of them. The diet is started to loose its charm (maybe it will get reinvigorated once I get some delicious homemade raw crackers that my friend Stef is sending) all I want to eat that is on it is avocado and nori and avocado is marginal in its placement on the diet. The idea of natural supplements is not exciting tonight. I am starting to look at things like bread and really want them. I had my first little pang of noticing envy when someone was talking about what she was going to do tomorrow because it would not be something that I can do for a long time, going out to eat at a French restaurant or morover going anywhere and knowing that most liekly I will feel good enough to enjoy it.

Tonight I have an all mens (except me) hands on healing session. I was feeling like I needed some testosterone energy. Right now I just feel like being alone and working on accepting that I am going through a hard spot but I bet the healing session will be great.